Out, Damn Spot!

A stay-at-home dog mom and blogger who prefers not to be named says she sometimes has to, "Wash her hands at least twice" after posting a new item to her blog. "It's weird, because I enjoy writing a lot. But, sometimes I feel dirty." When asked to what she attributes this feeling of being unclean, Ms Blogger replied, "Well, it's a side-effect of the combination of speaking the absolute truth coupled with the more-than-occasional fabrication of characters and events all just to amuse her readers. "Blogging is like a bad love song; I know it's wrong but, it feels so right especially when I make people laugh." So would she ever consider giving up the blog? "It's highly unlikely. You see, I get enormous emotional satisfaction of ridiculing total scumbags and more common everyday fools alike. And by the way, I include myself in the latter category."

WoooHooo!

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It's Friday and I want to thank Ann-Margaret. Or the two fellows in the smaller pic. They are great reminders that despite severe global economic restraints and the gloom of NPR, the world still offers the flight and freedom of an open road and the beauty of enormous affection. Gawd, but those boys are adorable. If they were up for adoption I'd take them both home and feed them and just let them cuddle like that forever. Or, at least until their 30th birthdays when I would kick their asses out of bed and send them both to work.

Problem solved!

Today Ford Motor Company has announced that two of its top executives, Chief Executive Alan Mulally and Executive Chairman Bill Ford will each take a 30% pay cut. Mulally who made about 23 million dollars in salary, bonuses, and perks in 2007 may now have to scrape by on just a little more than a paltry $1.4 million since the company has also cut bonuses for 2008 and 2009. This all comes as a surprise since Mulally went to Capitol Hill three months ago and when asked if he would be wiling to take a pay cut said, "No, I'm good." Executive Chairman Bill Ford already agreed to defer salary and bonuses way back in 2005 until the company improves its profitability. So, to further show that the company is serious about trimming the fat, it has offered buyouts to 42,000 hourly workers. As one highly-paid union worker quipped, "I know a bunch of us guys who weren't offered buyouts would gladly work for free if Salma Hayek came by every once in a while and breast-fed us."

Cave Sweet Cave

Right now on eBay (and for the next 20 days) there is a very unique home for sale. For the low, low price of only $300k you could be the proud owner of a cave house in Festus, Missouri. Festus?!

I know, location is everything. And who wouldn't want to live in a place that sounds like a party every day? It is 17,000 square feet and has a stage where the likes of Ted Nugent, Tina Turner and my fave, the MC5 performed. Imagine your own little home-schooled tykes belting out nursery rhymes to their heart's content on that thing. Of course, the echo must be tremendous and there would be few places to hide from the din, but then again, this is the perfect home for people who want to live 24/7 with their offspring and gift to the world. It is fully up to code and bat-free. It just needs a few finishing touches to make it your own.

Fairyland News Report

This morning several inhabitants of the Magic Forest weighed in with their thoughts on the $789 billion dollar economic stimulus plan. First up was the Wicked Witch who was in the midst of using a filthy green fingernail to pick some spinach out of two of her last remaining teeth, 

 "It's too much. What does the government think us taxpayers are made of, candy?"

Next was Prince Charming who reluctantly put down his Blackberry and said,

"Hey, as long as I can get a loan for my new Beemer, it's just right."

Nearby Goldilocks stroked her long, double-processed hair and let out a pensive sigh while eyeing the Prince,

"It probably isn't nearly enough."

Cinderella then moved a bit closer to the Prince and possessively placed her hand around the Prince's bicep, rolled her eyes and whispered, "She's such a slut."

Out Sick

I have received more than a few comments about the lack of posts here at the Gamut and since I am sick with yet another head cold and am not up to entertaining, spend some time with this classic video from Princess Superstar until I am feeling better:

10...9...8...7..

..................................................................................Though I am celebrating today's inauguration along with so many others, I wonder and worry for the state of our collective funny bone. Who will we ridicule now that we have a president that we have actually elected? And Joe Biden? He is so unlikely to ever shoot a pal in the face that I just don't know what we will be doing with ourselves for the next four years.

Oh, wait.... yes, I do: We will all somehow be dealing with the mess we're in now. Though it's easy to feel like a sap who wasn't invited to the party but has to help clean it up after the bullies and their brethren have all gone home to sleep it off, I predict that even with our noses pressed to the grindstone, we will find things to laugh about. Here's to us: Cheers, big ears!

Rogue Art in NYC

Forget the long lines and high prices of Museum Mile. If you're looking for interactive bargain entertainment look no further than Barney's. This horny mannequin greeted me on my way down the escalator one afternoon over the holidays. Whether the sales people are bored from lack of customers or whether the customers are getting creative, someone has decided to improve upon the shopping experience and I for one am very happy about it. I predict that we'll see a lot more rogue art as the economy continues to tank.

Gratitude: The Dark Side

As I ponder the magic and beauty of wintertime and the individuality of each snow flake there is much to be thankful for as the year comes to a close. There's a smart new President getting ready to move into the White House... The constitution-ignoring, love-it-or-leave-it extreme right-wing numbnuts have been made to say uncle... We can be friends with France again (Yay! and, Yum!)...the scandal involving the Governor of Illinois has erased much of the stain New York Governors left on the national psyche this year...and we all learned a new curse word care of an Iraqi journalist ("Son of a shoe") that comes with a physical gesture that simultaneously allows us to express our distain for public figures while also unloading the unwanted dregs from our closet floor.

On a more personal note I am grateful that I finally rediscovered the name (Steve S.) of the guy who lit my hair on fire at a party back in high school. No adults were present and I never ratted him out. I just pushed the whole thing to one of the farthest corners of my mind and forgot about it. But being lit on fire has a way of gnawing at one as the years go by.  It was especially irksome since even though I was completely sober at the time and still remember the friend who helped me cut the burnt end of my pony tail off in the bathroom afterwards, I couldn't remember who had done it. Thanks to the long tentacles of Facebook, I now know who he is and where he lives should I ever choose to track him down and light his ass on fire. I'm just keeping it as an option and possessing that nugget of imaginary power alone has quieted down some long- restless part of me.

And I think to myself: what a wonderful world.

2008 Holiday Bad Gift Guide

With so many opinions to guide you through your holiday shopping what you may really need is a guide of what not to buy. Some of us remember the bad gifts we've been given even more than the good ones if only because the trauma was so extreme. Keeping that in mind, here's a preliminary assortment of some really bad choices. Don't say you weren't warned if you choose to purchase some of these items for your nearest and dearest. 1. Tired Old Ass Cream. It claims to be effective for exhaustion but it doesn't say whose tired old ass it was made from. $10.95 (Wholefoods) 2. Vulva Balm. Not sure what its purpose is or why the manufacturer thought that it is a good idea for vulvas to smell like gypsies or jasmine. (Though I did notice that there are no vulva-scented products on the market. So, perhaps that explains something.) $16.00 (Wholefoods) 3. Carbolized Mutton Tallow. It is made from sheep fat treated with phenol, a strong corrosive poison and a derivative of benzene. Mmmm, try slathering some of that on your chapped lips. $8.95 (Lehmans.com) 4. Pure Emu Oil. Made from real live (or maybe dead by now) emus. It supposedly thickens the skin and reduces the formation of wrinkles. The writing on the bottle doesn't explain how they got the emus to give up their precious oil. Can one actually squeeze an emu? However they get the oil, it probably isn't pretty. $17.95 (Lehmans.com)