Toilet Barbie

A guy walks into a pizza joint, lingers for a time and then asks me and my friend who are both 15, "Is it true city girls are fast?" I replied, "I don't know about that but, is it true country boys fuck chickens?" 

So, yeah, I'm a mouthy kind of broad from way back when. And it is with that spirit that I approach today's Gamoo. (Which is fake-French if you had not already guessed. Lots of people speak fake-French which is kind of absurd. Since The Gamut Absurd loves everything and anything absurd, we like to pronounce it the fake-French way.)

Now that's cleared up let's move on, shall we? 

Today's topic: Toilet Barbie.

On several occasions, I have personally witnessed Barbie using public restrooms and let me tell you, she is disgusting!

She does not courtesy flush, she does not flush at ALL and she does not wash her hands afterwards.

In London, I saw her in the ladies room at a very upscale restaurant. She was exiting the stall just as I was walking in with the young daughter of a friend of mine. Barbie did not pass go, did not collect $200, she just headed straight out the door leaving behind the remnants of what could only make a lumberjack proud.

Then just last Saturday, I was in the restroom at the Riverbank State Park. A woman came into the stall next to mine and promptly exploded.

I know, it's not nice to flush and tell.

But, if I were nice, I wouldn't be broaching this whole topic in the first place now, would I?

A minute later while I was washing up at the sinks I couldn't help but lift my head when the woman opened the stall door. Sure enough, it was Barbie. She went straight for her knapsack and her lip gloss. Which seemed odd to me since she had caused such a unholy ruckus only moments before.

What is it about Barbie that makes her look so clean but act so dirty?

Is it the life of privilege? The fabulous wardrobe? The luxury car?

No one knows for sure. But, should you see her and be an even more mouthy broad than I, please ask why she yearns to spread her e coli so liberally to the rest of us.

Vive La Revolution!

For the second time in two weeks French workers angry over layoffs and cutbacks have taken their boss hostage. Last week, workers held the boss of Sony France hostage overnight and now striking workers for U.S. manufacturer 3M are holding their boss hostage for a second day at a plant in Pithiviers just south of Paris. A few dozen hostage-takers took turns standing guard outside the offices where the director of operations was being held. He has not been mistreated or threatened with violence and he actually seemed to be treated very well as photos show he was given food and bottled spring water. 3M is also planning job cuts at facilities in the United States and elsewhere abroad. When 3M workers in the U.S. were asked if they might consider such drastic measures of their own one of them, Michael O’Malley, 34, had this to say, “No way. Our boss is real gassy and there is just no chance that I want to spend a few days holed up with him. Besides, I don’t want to miss the game.” What game? “Oh, you know, there’s always a game on.” What about the economy and his job, not to mention the Spirit of the American Revolution? O’Malley replied, “Look, all that revolution stuff was fine for those colonial guys way back when. But you can’t seriously tell me that anything I might do will affect how things turn out now. Besides, my wife makes the greatest Pigs in a Blanket you ever had. She makes the rolls from scratch and there is no way I’m going to miss that just to make a political statement.”

Urine Town

Apparently, the City has revised its standards for public restrooms. Just last week, the City nixed a plan to place a modern public restroom near City Hall because it was deemed aesthetically inappropriate for such a busy area. Perhaps all the Brooklyn Bridge-walking tourists will then take a cue from this sign up in Fort Tryon Park. With such dubious environmental policy, the city's trees are bracing for the deluge.

Thanks, mister.

Hey you. Yeah, you, mister. The next time you decide to move up to a new seat during intermission ask yourself these questions:

1. Is my head so inordinately big that I will be blocking about 80% of the view of the stage for the person behind me?

2. When was the last time I had the back of my neck shaved?

(BTW: Your neck looks even hairier in person.)

Musical Intermission

Here's a double portion of Lust For Life for all you obedient dogs. Sit up, get down, and roll over with the always delightful piece of human jerky: the ever sinewous, Mr. Iggy Pop.

Erin Go Braghless!

Here are some happy thoughts to guide you through your St. Patrick's Day. So, whether you're a lucky shamrock-picking, braghless Hibernian or not, everyone is Irish today. Here's to Ireland, the Land of Poets. . Beannacht ("Blessing") On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders and you stumble, may the clay dance to balance you. And when your eyes freeze behind the grey window and the ghost of loss gets in to you, may a flock of colours, indigo, red, green, and azure blue come to awaken in you a meadow of delight. When the canvas frays in the currach of thought and a stain of ocean blackens beneath you, may there come across the waters a path of yellow moonlight to bring you safely home. May the nourishment of the earth be yours, may the clarity of light be yours, may the fluency of the ocean be yours, may the protection of the ancestors be yours. And so may a slow wind work these words of love around you, an invisible cloak to mind your life. ~ John O'Donohue ~

Karma Kancer

Don Imus who infamously referred to the members of the Rutgers Women's Basketball team as, "Nappy-headed hos" back in 2007 has revealed that he has stage II prostate cancer. One former member of the insulted team had this to say: "I don't wish ill to anyone, not even Don Imus. But, this is a man who has made an extremely lucrative career out of speaking his mind regardless of the consequences to others. Do I think that this is just 'chickens coming home to roost?' Well, yes, I do. He has been opining from that region of his anatomy for some time now and it should be a sobering reminder to all who seek to unfairly disparage others. I won't say anything more about the man and I certainly don't want to cause him any distress but, for anyone wishing to celebrate the news, there's a party at my place tonight."

Out, Damn Spot!

A stay-at-home dog mom and blogger who prefers not to be named says she sometimes has to, "Wash her hands at least twice" after posting a new item to her blog. "It's weird, because I enjoy writing a lot. But, sometimes I feel dirty." When asked to what she attributes this feeling of being unclean, Ms Blogger replied, "Well, it's a side-effect of the combination of speaking the absolute truth coupled with the more-than-occasional fabrication of characters and events all just to amuse her readers. "Blogging is like a bad love song; I know it's wrong but, it feels so right especially when I make people laugh." So would she ever consider giving up the blog? "It's highly unlikely. You see, I get enormous emotional satisfaction of ridiculing total scumbags and more common everyday fools alike. And by the way, I include myself in the latter category."