A Laugh Riot

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Eager to show the government's more madcap side and proving that Washingtonians do indeed have very short memories, Louis Caldera, director of the White House military office signed off on a photo session which took place yesterday over downtown Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. What made it such a special event is that they used a low-flying 747 closely followed by a F-16 fighter jet, closely mimicking conditions during the attacks of 9-11. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Mayor Blumberg and the many people who fled their downtown offices in terror. The 747 was reportedly Air Force One, the same plane used by the President. While the comic stylings of Mr. Caldera and the rest of his crew may have been lost on many New Yorkers, he'll have another chance to work his charm on us in the coming Fall television lineup. TV executives were apparently so impressed by his ability to stir up mayhem and even cause people to break down crying on sidewalks in broad daylight, that Caldera is currently being considered for a new reality television show: The Real Politicos of Washington. The premise is very similar to the Real Housewives series and will follow Caldera and other similarly high-appointed government personnel around and document their daily hijinks for posterity.

Frankinpuppy Lives

Take 3 parts beagle mix with 1 part sea anemone and what do you get? Well, if you happen to be South Korean scientist Byeong-Chung Lee, the answer is the world's first transgenic, glow-in-the-dark puppy. The pup is named Ruppy, which is short for "ruby puppy" because he gives off a reddish hue under ultraviolet light.

Scientists say that the reason they make such creatures is because it could one day help them cure diseases in human beings. There may be some faulty reasoning here as not too many humans consider their lack of ability to glow-in-the-dark to be an actual disease.

The Mogul Pate

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The mogul pate so finey

Rich and super-shiny

If you dare rub it for good luck

You may hear, "Oh, what the fuck?"

You can say you wanted to see

If a brilliant genie would appear

As a wisp of smoke

out one o' the ears.

And if this does not appease

The irate mogul's pride

It will behoove you to appear

Believably sincere

If you promise to never

Ever

Do it again - for five or six new benjamins.

You may be arrested

And in handcuffs led away

But you will surely live to rub

The mogul pate again one day.

Go Figure

There are many mysteries in life and no one knows what becomes of socks. Not really. Some say that they're stolen by unseen beings who use them for sanitary purposes. Others believe that the pairing of two socks in a clothes dryer creates a portal into another world at a distant location - say, a drive-thru window at a McDonald's three states away - and when someone accidentally drives through that portal one of the socks goes along for the ride and allows the passenger the opportunity to return to this world should he ever so desire.

Whatever the cause, many of us have mourned the loss of a sock at some point. So, take pity on the poor soul who so carefully photoshopped this sign and posted it on the window of the now-defunct Figaro Cafe on Bleecker Street in New York. And let's hope that someone, somewhere is enjoying the good life in an alternate universe.

High Five!

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Some of the newly unemployed are finding one very distinct upside to the recent downturn in their professional outlook: their sex lives are better than ever. Sarah Finn-MacKeith, formerly of Lehman Brothers, is ecstatic about the upswing, "Granted, I haven't found a partner yet but, having so much free time has really enabled me to explore my pleasure center." Brian Lu, a former director of development for a local arts organization agrees, "When I was still employed I really didn't have the time for a full-on relationship and now that I've been laid off no one will return my calls and go out with me. Still, at least I don't have to suffer though the agony of wondering if someone I'm having dinner with will have sex with me later on that night. All the anxiety is gone. I eat alone and I go to bed alone but at least I don't have to worry about STD's."

Peeping Puppy

You would be able to buy this dog-spy item from Hammacher Schlemmer for only $29.95 if they weren't already sold out. That's right, not only do a whole bunch of folks think their dog has every right to spy on the family next door, they are willing to go to the expense and trouble of installing a device that enables Fido to exercise his own version of the Patriot Act without the risk of being poisoned or merely bitch-slapped by outraged neighbors.

American Girl Crone

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Clarinda Napalot

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American Girl Place has announced its newest addition to its family of All-American Girl dolls: Clarinda the Crone. Known for her sage advice and hard-won wisdom, Clarinda comes in every color and ethnicity imaginable.

While younger girls are told, "Follow your inner star" and listen to "The little whisper inside that encourages you to stand tall, reach high and dream big." Older gals are told, "Don't let the bastards get you down" and "Do whatever you damn well please!" 

Variations on the Clarinda doll include: "Clarinda Napalot," "Clarinda Dreadmermaid" and "Clarinda Freespirit." Soon to come, a new Clarinda doll based on a wise-cracking, cigar-smoking old broad, "Clarinda Feelgood."

Clarinda Dreadmermaid

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Clarinda Freespirit.

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Soon-to-be American Girl Crone, Clarinda Feelgood.

April Fool

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Early yesterday morning pranksters blew a hole through the rear end of a statue of Vladimir Lenin in St. Petersburg. Authorities say the vandals used either a bomb or a grenade launcher. Perhaps the perpetrators could be convinced to reek a bit of havoc on  some other really bad public art.

Speak No Evil

Apparently I have a potty-mouth and so after being duly chastised, I took the day off to reflect on how I might proceed in the future.

(Bwahahaha!)