Absurd Hamburg, Absurd Denmark 2009

Only in Germany (ok, maybe in Austria, too) could they nearly sell out of a breakfast pastry called Napoleonshat.

Is a translation really necessary? A spurt of sluttiness and on sale, too!

Lippy updates in the Copenhagen train station: about $1.

Seriously folks, if you don't want your children to grow up into depressed alcoholic adults get them some happy toys!

A statue of a sad giant staring out a window = Danish art.

Kinky Coral. Those Danes really know how to express their sexual passions using natural materials.

Viking children in Christiania with home made wooden implements of harm. Yes, they will use them against you and then run away giggling. I was personally attacked by an arrow from a bow, an arrow from a crossbow, a mace and a sword. The fact that I lived to tell about it kind of lets you know where the vikings are at in terms modern warfare and world domination.

It's Friday

It's Friday, it's summertime, and life is good.

Peace Through Brew

Apparently President Obama does not care for the term, "Beer Summit."

“It is not a summit. It’s an attempt to have some personal interaction when an issue has become so hyped and so symbolic that you lose sight of just the fact that these are people involved, including myself, all of whom are imperfect, and will hopefully instead of ginning up anger and hyperbole, everybody can just spend a little bit of time with some self reflection and recognizing that other people have different points of view.” 

 Nor, apparently did Obama care for the idea put forth rather hopefully by Vice President Joe Biden that they all wear Snuggies  during tonight's meeting with Professor Henry Louis Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley.

To this the President very calmly replied, "I don't think so."

Dog Hero of 1903

Though cars and dogs don't usually go together too well here's an exception: this is Bud. 106 years ago yesterday, he went along for the ride when Dr. Horatio Nelson Jackson and brilliant mechanic, Sewall K. Crocker made the first road trip across the USA from San Francisco to New York in a Winton.  It took them 63 days and they finished their journey on July 26, 1903.

Due to frequent breakdowns during the arduous trek Bud faced the distinct prospect of being eaten by his hungry cohorts. Nevertheless, the crafty Crocker somehow always managed to fix the car ensuring that he and Dr. Jackson would make it to the next town in time to stock up on food and Bud would get to live out the rest of his long life as the Jackson family dog.

Dog Days

The Dog Days are quickly approaching. But if they are anything like the first part of summer I think we can expect something rather like this adorable serious-faced puppy named Mannito now available for adoption at The North Shore Animal League. Coincidentally, he bares more than a passing resemblance to the young future Judge Sonia Sotomayor. He may just be destined for greatness.

PS: Lest you believe I am foolishly insulting a very powerful person, I am referring here to his eyes and not his soft furriness, floppy ears or waggy tail.

Waaa!!

Like the corners of his mind, Anderson Theodopolis knows far too well the tedium of helping out around the house, "I have awful memories of how my father used to make me do boring stuff on weekends all the time. He polluted my time with unfun tasks." Recounting the numerous days he was made to sweep leaves, clean out gutters and do other tasks too onerous to mention Theodopolis says, "You don't understand. Manual labor is horrifying to me." Holding up both lily-white, baby-smooth hands he continues, "These are the uncalloused hands of a man who uses his mind. They weren't meant for difficult labor." Indeed, upon closer inspection his hands do have a rather delicate quality Theodopolis says he sometimes struggles to maintain. "My wife doesn't get it. She's like my dad. She thinks I should help out around the house. I say, I can always hire someone to do all that stuff." But does he? "Oh, no. I'm too busy but I could if I wanted."

Oh, Holy Night

A strange and perhaps even miraculous phenomenon occurred last night when visions of the President's face appeared in dinners across the country. At press time, unsubstantiated stories of the same were also reported in places as far away as England, France, Germany and Tokyo. Peter Mongo of Half-Moon Bay, California discovered the President's face at around seven o'clock at night in his 3-bean burrito. Says Mongo, "I was just about to dig in when I saw it. I shouted, 'That's Obama!' and all these people gathered around me. I was, like, totally mobbed." In Texas Janet and Robert Wilkenson were at their favorite steak house in Houston when they noticed the grinning face of the President staring up from Mr. Wilkenson's porterhouse. "I told him not to eat it. We voted for McCain." "I don't know what to think" says her husband. "But there's no denying it was his face. My whole world has been turned upside down." Peter Walinsky of Bangor, Maine was cooking up some chicken and rice for himself and his two cats, Earl and Scruggs when he saw the image of the President's face in his saucepan. "I took a photo of the stew to document the event but unlike everyone else who saw the President's face in their food last night, I ate mine. Maybe I should have had it preserved in Lucite and offered it to the Smithsonian but me and the boys were hungry and there was nothing else in the house to eat." Authorities are not sure what if anything this all means and the Vatican would not publicly comment on whether or not the sightings constituted an actual miracle. Though one person who works there and who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, "Well, it sure looks like what we've seen before with the image of Jesus turning up in all sorts of items of food. But, no, I don't actually believe this signals that Mr. Obama is the Second Coming." The President's face also made appearances in a spicy toro roll, a Shepherd's pie, and fish soup amongst other delicious dishes.

Oh, Happy Day

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In a happy twist of fate, Jennifer Ladybug, nee Coccinella septempunctata, discovered late yesterday afternoon that despite stories to the contrary, her house was not on fire and her children were just fine.

"I was cheerily going about my business eating some aphids in the garden when two small human females stood over me and began reciting the most dreadful words I have ever heard. It seemed they had practiced it before because they said it in unison:

Ladybug, ladybug fly away home

your house is on fire and your children are alone.

Well, I flew home straight away and found that everyone was fine the house was not on fire and my children were still very much under the watchful eye of their auntie."

Pausing only to take a deep breath she then continued, "Can you imagine saying such things if they weren't true? Clearly these girls could do with some therapy."

Nearby, Pamela Spider had this to say,

"If you think that's bad you ought to hear their creepy song about itsy bitsy spiders."

Rage, Rage.

Dick Cheney will not go gentle into that good night.

After eight years in office and despite the fact that many Americans have long held out the hope that he would soon die, Cheney seems unwilling to leave the national stage.

"Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Or so goes the famous poem by Dylan Thomas. And for his part, Cheney appears to enjoy raging against the new President at every turn. Cheney's handlers have apparently warned the former VP that his words could in fact lead to nasty repercussions from the left. One of his Secret Service detail on hand for the interview was heard mumbling something under his breath: "....angry mobs...guillotines...heads on pikes."

When asked if he was at all concerned for his own safety or that of his family Cheney replied, "I'm not a bad guy. These people just need to wake up and see who the real threat is to our incredibly lucrative American way of life. Or at least to my incredibly lucrative way of life."

What about all the pundits who are claiming that Cheney's desire to express himself on issues of national importance has more to do with a desire to preserve his own legacy?

"Oh, sure," Cheney admits in a surprisingly candid fashion for one who was famous for being reclusive and rather furtive during his terms as Vice President. "Why would I lie to you? Sure, I want to be remembered for the things I did and this new president is trying to mess it all up. I mean, it's just not fair. Why should Obama be able to just come in and undo all the cool stuff we did?"

Maybe because he's the President?

"That never stopped me before." Cheney replied with a grin.

A Laugh Riot

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Eager to show the government's more madcap side and proving that Washingtonians do indeed have very short memories, Louis Caldera, director of the White House military office signed off on a photo session which took place yesterday over downtown Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. What made it such a special event is that they used a low-flying 747 closely followed by a F-16 fighter jet, closely mimicking conditions during the attacks of 9-11. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Mayor Blumberg and the many people who fled their downtown offices in terror. The 747 was reportedly Air Force One, the same plane used by the President. While the comic stylings of Mr. Caldera and the rest of his crew may have been lost on many New Yorkers, he'll have another chance to work his charm on us in the coming Fall television lineup. TV executives were apparently so impressed by his ability to stir up mayhem and even cause people to break down crying on sidewalks in broad daylight, that Caldera is currently being considered for a new reality television show: The Real Politicos of Washington. The premise is very similar to the Real Housewives series and will follow Caldera and other similarly high-appointed government personnel around and document their daily hijinks for posterity.