Waaa!!

Like the corners of his mind, Anderson Theodopolis knows far too well the tedium of helping out around the house, "I have awful memories of how my father used to make me do boring stuff on weekends all the time. He polluted my time with unfun tasks." Recounting the numerous days he was made to sweep leaves, clean out gutters and do other tasks too onerous to mention Theodopolis says, "You don't understand. Manual labor is horrifying to me." Holding up both lily-white, baby-smooth hands he continues, "These are the uncalloused hands of a man who uses his mind. They weren't meant for difficult labor." Indeed, upon closer inspection his hands do have a rather delicate quality Theodopolis says he sometimes struggles to maintain. "My wife doesn't get it. She's like my dad. She thinks I should help out around the house. I say, I can always hire someone to do all that stuff." But does he? "Oh, no. I'm too busy but I could if I wanted."

Oh, Holy Night

A strange and perhaps even miraculous phenomenon occurred last night when visions of the President's face appeared in dinners across the country. At press time, unsubstantiated stories of the same were also reported in places as far away as England, France, Germany and Tokyo. Peter Mongo of Half-Moon Bay, California discovered the President's face at around seven o'clock at night in his 3-bean burrito. Says Mongo, "I was just about to dig in when I saw it. I shouted, 'That's Obama!' and all these people gathered around me. I was, like, totally mobbed." In Texas Janet and Robert Wilkenson were at their favorite steak house in Houston when they noticed the grinning face of the President staring up from Mr. Wilkenson's porterhouse. "I told him not to eat it. We voted for McCain." "I don't know what to think" says her husband. "But there's no denying it was his face. My whole world has been turned upside down." Peter Walinsky of Bangor, Maine was cooking up some chicken and rice for himself and his two cats, Earl and Scruggs when he saw the image of the President's face in his saucepan. "I took a photo of the stew to document the event but unlike everyone else who saw the President's face in their food last night, I ate mine. Maybe I should have had it preserved in Lucite and offered it to the Smithsonian but me and the boys were hungry and there was nothing else in the house to eat." Authorities are not sure what if anything this all means and the Vatican would not publicly comment on whether or not the sightings constituted an actual miracle. Though one person who works there and who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, "Well, it sure looks like what we've seen before with the image of Jesus turning up in all sorts of items of food. But, no, I don't actually believe this signals that Mr. Obama is the Second Coming." The President's face also made appearances in a spicy toro roll, a Shepherd's pie, and fish soup amongst other delicious dishes.

Oh, Happy Day

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In a happy twist of fate, Jennifer Ladybug, nee Coccinella septempunctata, discovered late yesterday afternoon that despite stories to the contrary, her house was not on fire and her children were just fine.

"I was cheerily going about my business eating some aphids in the garden when two small human females stood over me and began reciting the most dreadful words I have ever heard. It seemed they had practiced it before because they said it in unison:

Ladybug, ladybug fly away home

your house is on fire and your children are alone.

Well, I flew home straight away and found that everyone was fine the house was not on fire and my children were still very much under the watchful eye of their auntie."

Pausing only to take a deep breath she then continued, "Can you imagine saying such things if they weren't true? Clearly these girls could do with some therapy."

Nearby, Pamela Spider had this to say,

"If you think that's bad you ought to hear their creepy song about itsy bitsy spiders."

Rage, Rage.

Dick Cheney will not go gentle into that good night.

After eight years in office and despite the fact that many Americans have long held out the hope that he would soon die, Cheney seems unwilling to leave the national stage.

"Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Or so goes the famous poem by Dylan Thomas. And for his part, Cheney appears to enjoy raging against the new President at every turn. Cheney's handlers have apparently warned the former VP that his words could in fact lead to nasty repercussions from the left. One of his Secret Service detail on hand for the interview was heard mumbling something under his breath: "....angry mobs...guillotines...heads on pikes."

When asked if he was at all concerned for his own safety or that of his family Cheney replied, "I'm not a bad guy. These people just need to wake up and see who the real threat is to our incredibly lucrative American way of life. Or at least to my incredibly lucrative way of life."

What about all the pundits who are claiming that Cheney's desire to express himself on issues of national importance has more to do with a desire to preserve his own legacy?

"Oh, sure," Cheney admits in a surprisingly candid fashion for one who was famous for being reclusive and rather furtive during his terms as Vice President. "Why would I lie to you? Sure, I want to be remembered for the things I did and this new president is trying to mess it all up. I mean, it's just not fair. Why should Obama be able to just come in and undo all the cool stuff we did?"

Maybe because he's the President?

"That never stopped me before." Cheney replied with a grin.

A Laugh Riot

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Eager to show the government's more madcap side and proving that Washingtonians do indeed have very short memories, Louis Caldera, director of the White House military office signed off on a photo session which took place yesterday over downtown Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. What made it such a special event is that they used a low-flying 747 closely followed by a F-16 fighter jet, closely mimicking conditions during the attacks of 9-11. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Mayor Blumberg and the many people who fled their downtown offices in terror. The 747 was reportedly Air Force One, the same plane used by the President. While the comic stylings of Mr. Caldera and the rest of his crew may have been lost on many New Yorkers, he'll have another chance to work his charm on us in the coming Fall television lineup. TV executives were apparently so impressed by his ability to stir up mayhem and even cause people to break down crying on sidewalks in broad daylight, that Caldera is currently being considered for a new reality television show: The Real Politicos of Washington. The premise is very similar to the Real Housewives series and will follow Caldera and other similarly high-appointed government personnel around and document their daily hijinks for posterity.

Frankinpuppy Lives

Take 3 parts beagle mix with 1 part sea anemone and what do you get? Well, if you happen to be South Korean scientist Byeong-Chung Lee, the answer is the world's first transgenic, glow-in-the-dark puppy. The pup is named Ruppy, which is short for "ruby puppy" because he gives off a reddish hue under ultraviolet light.

Scientists say that the reason they make such creatures is because it could one day help them cure diseases in human beings. There may be some faulty reasoning here as not too many humans consider their lack of ability to glow-in-the-dark to be an actual disease.

The Mogul Pate

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The mogul pate so finey

Rich and super-shiny

If you dare rub it for good luck

You may hear, "Oh, what the fuck?"

You can say you wanted to see

If a brilliant genie would appear

As a wisp of smoke

out one o' the ears.

And if this does not appease

The irate mogul's pride

It will behoove you to appear

Believably sincere

If you promise to never

Ever

Do it again - for five or six new benjamins.

You may be arrested

And in handcuffs led away

But you will surely live to rub

The mogul pate again one day.

Go Figure

There are many mysteries in life and no one knows what becomes of socks. Not really. Some say that they're stolen by unseen beings who use them for sanitary purposes. Others believe that the pairing of two socks in a clothes dryer creates a portal into another world at a distant location - say, a drive-thru window at a McDonald's three states away - and when someone accidentally drives through that portal one of the socks goes along for the ride and allows the passenger the opportunity to return to this world should he ever so desire.

Whatever the cause, many of us have mourned the loss of a sock at some point. So, take pity on the poor soul who so carefully photoshopped this sign and posted it on the window of the now-defunct Figaro Cafe on Bleecker Street in New York. And let's hope that someone, somewhere is enjoying the good life in an alternate universe.

High Five!

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Some of the newly unemployed are finding one very distinct upside to the recent downturn in their professional outlook: their sex lives are better than ever. Sarah Finn-MacKeith, formerly of Lehman Brothers, is ecstatic about the upswing, "Granted, I haven't found a partner yet but, having so much free time has really enabled me to explore my pleasure center." Brian Lu, a former director of development for a local arts organization agrees, "When I was still employed I really didn't have the time for a full-on relationship and now that I've been laid off no one will return my calls and go out with me. Still, at least I don't have to suffer though the agony of wondering if someone I'm having dinner with will have sex with me later on that night. All the anxiety is gone. I eat alone and I go to bed alone but at least I don't have to worry about STD's."

Peeping Puppy

You would be able to buy this dog-spy item from Hammacher Schlemmer for only $29.95 if they weren't already sold out. That's right, not only do a whole bunch of folks think their dog has every right to spy on the family next door, they are willing to go to the expense and trouble of installing a device that enables Fido to exercise his own version of the Patriot Act without the risk of being poisoned or merely bitch-slapped by outraged neighbors.