"Gonna Mess You Up!"

Think you're tough? Think again, my friends. There is always someone meaner and tougher than you and here's proof of it:

Granny Resistance

Who are those grannies wielding sharp implements in front of the Times Square U.S. Army Recruitment Center you wonder? Why, they are the Granny Peace Brigade and they are knitting their way to - yes! you guessed it - peace in Iraq. It goes to show that there really is a connection between knitwear and world peace. (See Knitwit Erotica post below.) After all, these women have been around for a long while and they wouldn't be knitting all those afghans for Iraqis for nothing now, would they? Seriously, they are well-organized and determined to speak out against the war and their website can probably teach all of us a thing or two about civil disobedience.

Albany horndogs

The new Governor of New York, David Patterson has admitted that he too, has cheated with numerous women on his wife Michelle (Pictured here with an unusual frownysmile and a "Iforgivyouhoney" fur coat.) Of course, he did add that, (Insert childish whine here:) "She did it first." Perhaps taxpayers should consider adding some saltpeter to the water coolers in the state capital. Or, they could just could take a more enlightened approach as they apparently do at the Massachusettes State House.

Before and After

There is no doubt that Silda Wall Spitzer not only looked so dosed for her husband's press conference that she might have fallen asleep and hit her head on the podium but, she looks as if she's aged about ten years overnight. (Disclosure: the photo on the left was probably not taken last week.) Okay, so maybe it's not all peaches and cream being married to someone so immensely wealthy. Wait, what am I saying?! Of course it's peaches and cream! But, c'mon! Her whole 'stand by your man' routine seems especially unbecoming given the fact that she is a lawyer and an officer of the court and therefore perhaps it might have been better not to appear so mellow that she is seen to condone his actions in a potentially very messy legal sit-chee-a-shun. Seriously, what did he do? Slip her a mickey finn and then beg, "Pretty pleath will you come wid me to de-sniff, sniff, preth conference? "

The Naughty Guv'nor

Oh, the hubris! Yet another example of the horror of the human ego reared it's head this week with the Spitzer sex scandal. The odd thing about it is how politicians know they live under a microscope with every imperfection magnified 10,000x yet, they keep thinking that they can do things like having a rollicking good illicit roll in the hay and get away with it. The equivalent for the average citizen is to go around thinking that they can dress up in drag and pee on their neighbor's porch.

(This is what you or I would look like if we had a politician-sized ego:)

Ronald Hoth, a 56-year-old man who lives with his mother in Florida, was arrested on suspicion of stalking after undercover officers say they spotted him urinating on a neighbor's porch while dressed in a blond wig and "revealing women's clothes."

He was taken into custody after a brief chase, police report. His mother, Dorothy, tells WKMG-TV that they've lived together for 14 years. "He was so sorry about it," she tells the paper. "He was practically crying. He said, 'I didn't mean to do it or to hurt you in any way. I just want to come back and do like I did.' He said, 'I will never, never, never do this ever again.'"

Photo from the Osceola County Sheriff's Office.

Or, maybe this on a good day:

Car Porn 2008

The annual swimsuit issue of car porn arrived in the mail yesterday. Oh, joy! Consumer Reports Best & Worst Cars is a total pleasure. What could be more fun than memorizing the stats on dozens of cars with an almost savant-like passion? And like a savant, it doesn't matter if one is not so interested in actually owning the obsessed-about object, just in knowing about how it drives, what is sounds like, how it responds to various road conditions. It's all so sensual, it's almost overwhelming. Everything from horsepower to IIHS crash test results, reliability and cabin design is in here. The centerfold is of course, the ratings with their irresistible bar graphs and red-to-black doughnut-shaped icons. It's so easy to read and it makes one feel as if one actually knows something about cars! (Exactly like how reading the New York Times Book Review makes one feel well-read without even reading the books.) Go ahead, take a Peek. You know you want to.

B.S. Phraseology 101

I am not sure what is it about going to the theater that permits me to overhear absurd statements by young women but, yesterday after seeing August: Osage County by Tracy Letts, I heard a young woman say, "I like to read. But, you know, like, not literary stuff." "What's left?" I thought, "Cereal boxes?" So, in honor of all things absurd, I am collecting ridiculous phrases. If anyone can think of one to add, please be my guest.

Examples may include but, are not limited to: self-delusion, military doublespeak and plain, old B.S. Here's just a few to get us started:

• "My doctor has me on a low dose."
• "The check's in the mail."
• "I promise I'll pull out."
• "World-class architecture."
• "Collateral damage."
• "You look beautiful in the dark." (Doesn't everybody?)

PS: The cat photo is just to show what can happen when a large amount of humans pursue devolution through nonsense. Other more noble species are quite capable of standing up and filling in the void.

Knitwit Erotica

These are some of the images I grew up with in the 70's: crochet bikinis promoting vague (yet, potentially soggy) athleticism, interracial harmony, and easy sexuality. McCall's made it seem as if we could all knit our way to world peace. Despite the creepy nostril and mustache in the background of the less-than-subtle "EASY TO MAKE" photo, I still find myself strongly drawn to these styles. It's my inner nun speaking, I'm sure but, I'm rather surprised that they haven't made a comeback. Go figure.

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By the way, it helps to rock out to the MC5 when looking at these clothes:

(Actually, almost everything is better while listening to the MC5.)Or, if you're in the mood for something lighter, watch Goldie Hawn on Laugh-In:

Mighty Eagle?

Many of us associate the powerful voice of the Red-Tailed Hawk as belonging to the American Bald Eagle. It's a strange and absurd bit of propaganda and if you watch the videos below you'll see what I mean. First, listen to the hawk. Then, hear the rather pathetic voice of the eagle in the second video. Even the seagull in the background makes more noise! In the third video it sounds very like a certain formerly drug-addled, lame duck.

De Yewts of Today

Overheard last night at BAM's Harvey Theater where Fiona Shaw is currently performing in Samuel Beckett's A Good Day: Two women approximately 18 years old were leaving the theater when one said to the other, "I hate it when something is supposed to be serious and people laugh." "Shit," I think, "There goes my whole reason for existing." Are kids today really so humorless and without sense of irony? It pains me to see such lovely, unlined skin and naturally colored hair wasted on the young.