A Real Dog

Tiger's new home and a possible solution.

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How do you solve a problem like Maria?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

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As obvious as it may be, here is a possible solution to the troublesome, confusing new Jupiter Island, Florida home of Tiger Woods: transform it into the shape of a dog! At the Dog Bark Park Inn in Cottonwood, Idaho, the proprietors, Dennis and Frances are both chainsaw artists. Since the Woods clan has oodles of resources a healthy hobby like carving themselves a new façade might just do the trick in assuaging their neighbor's bad vibes.

Say Five Times Fast.

The Quite Bearable Lightness of Being a Jackass

His name is Victor which is kind of a sad name for a jackass. He moved to New York to attend college and never went home again. He wanted to be like all the chic people he saw. He wanted their clothes, their apartments, their lives. He cut his hair, colored it, too. Got a mid level job at a big company which he told everybody was much more important than it really was. "I'm the head of my division," he brayed to anyone who would listen, "My boss is a moron. She doesn't know half of what I do." Years went by and Victor got older. Still for all his striving, he felt had nothing and city life was getting him down. He decided to make some changes. He got some nice pills from his doctor which made him feel better about himself and he opined constantly as an expert on many subjects. Soon friends tired of him. "Look what I can do for you!" he said to empty rooms, "I'm really very important." Alas, Victor never noticed his own buffoonery and was doomed to spend the rest of his days nuzzling against the split rail fences of his own mind.

Fall Fashion: Don't.

I'm not sure which is worse; the woman clinging to the hope of eternal pregnancy or the one who wishes she had hooves.

The Baby Snuggie is tailored-made for the woman who refuses to give up the feeling that comes from being physically attached to another living being. Clearly a wish to forever remain in a self-imposed state of vulnerability and helplessness is behind this sartorial dementia.

The shoes below are from a Japanese website and only a Japanese man can explain the joys of seeing a tiny Japanese woman prance around the house in these little hoof-booties. The rest of us will have to remain blissfully in the dark until then.

Absurd despot.

Some Gamut stories write themselves.

From today's New York Times:

"CONAKRY, Guinea — At the military camp where he makes decisions — he does not care for government buildings — the captain who is president explained why he did not get to the political rally earlier this week that his soldiers turned into a bloodbath. Moussa Dadis Camara, 45, this nation’s erratic new leader, said he could not find the keys to his pickup."

The Times' story clearly showed a military leader who is too inept to attend the slaughter of innocent people that he had ordered and thereby ensured the smug superiority of their readers.

"If I had ordered the killing of dozens or perhaps hundreds of people you can be darn sure that I would have found my car keys and been there!" said Margie Hastings of Medford, NJ.

What the Times failed to explain is why so many African despots have such fantastic sun glasses. Do they take time off from their busy schedules of raping and murdering their own people to go shopping in Paris? The Gamut hereby defies anyone to find a single African junta leader who doesn't own a cool pair of frames.

Photo©AFP

Absurd Hamburg, Absurd Denmark 2009

Only in Germany (ok, maybe in Austria, too) could they nearly sell out of a breakfast pastry called Napoleonshat.

Is a translation really necessary? A spurt of sluttiness and on sale, too!

Lippy updates in the Copenhagen train station: about $1.

Seriously folks, if you don't want your children to grow up into depressed alcoholic adults get them some happy toys!

A statue of a sad giant staring out a window = Danish art.

Kinky Coral. Those Danes really know how to express their sexual passions using natural materials.

Viking children in Christiania with home made wooden implements of harm. Yes, they will use them against you and then run away giggling. I was personally attacked by an arrow from a bow, an arrow from a crossbow, a mace and a sword. The fact that I lived to tell about it kind of lets you know where the vikings are at in terms modern warfare and world domination.

It's Friday

It's Friday, it's summertime, and life is good.

Peace Through Brew

Apparently President Obama does not care for the term, "Beer Summit."

“It is not a summit. It’s an attempt to have some personal interaction when an issue has become so hyped and so symbolic that you lose sight of just the fact that these are people involved, including myself, all of whom are imperfect, and will hopefully instead of ginning up anger and hyperbole, everybody can just spend a little bit of time with some self reflection and recognizing that other people have different points of view.” 

 Nor, apparently did Obama care for the idea put forth rather hopefully by Vice President Joe Biden that they all wear Snuggies  during tonight's meeting with Professor Henry Louis Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley.

To this the President very calmly replied, "I don't think so."

Dog Hero of 1903

Though cars and dogs don't usually go together too well here's an exception: this is Bud. 106 years ago yesterday, he went along for the ride when Dr. Horatio Nelson Jackson and brilliant mechanic, Sewall K. Crocker made the first road trip across the USA from San Francisco to New York in a Winton.  It took them 63 days and they finished their journey on July 26, 1903.

Due to frequent breakdowns during the arduous trek Bud faced the distinct prospect of being eaten by his hungry cohorts. Nevertheless, the crafty Crocker somehow always managed to fix the car ensuring that he and Dr. Jackson would make it to the next town in time to stock up on food and Bud would get to live out the rest of his long life as the Jackson family dog.

Dog Days

The Dog Days are quickly approaching. But if they are anything like the first part of summer I think we can expect something rather like this adorable serious-faced puppy named Mannito now available for adoption at The North Shore Animal League. Coincidentally, he bares more than a passing resemblance to the young future Judge Sonia Sotomayor. He may just be destined for greatness.

PS: Lest you believe I am foolishly insulting a very powerful person, I am referring here to his eyes and not his soft furriness, floppy ears or waggy tail.