The Gamut Absurd

A Real Dog

2009-11-22T08:47:00.015-05:00

Tiger's new home and a possible solution.

How do you solve a problem like Maria?

How do you catch a cloud and pin it down? How do you find a word that means Maria? A flibbertijibbet! A will-o'-the wisp! A clown!

As obvious as it may be, here is a possible solution to the troublesome, confusing new Jupiter Island, Florida home of Tiger Woods: transform it into the shape of a dog! At the Dog Bark Park Inn in Cottonwood, Idaho, the proprietors, Dennis and Frances are both chainsaw artists. Since the Woods clan has oodles of resources a healthy hobby like carving themselves a new façade might just do the trick in assuaging their neighbor's bad vibes.

Say Five Times Fast.

2009-11-13T16:10:00.003-05:00

The Quite Bearable Lightness of Being a Jackass

2009-10-08T14:42:00.000-04:00

His name is Victor which is kind of a sad name for a jackass. He moved to New York to attend college and never went home again. He wanted to be like all the chic people he saw. He wanted their clothes, their apartments, their lives. He cut his hair, colored it, too. Got a mid level job at a big company which he told everybody was much more important than it really was. "I'm the head of my division," he brayed to anyone who would listen, "My boss is a moron. She doesn't know half of what I do." Years went by and Victor got older. Still for all his striving, he felt had nothing and city life was getting him down. He decided to make some changes. He got some nice pills from his doctor which made him feel better about himself and he opined constantly as an expert on many subjects. Soon friends tired of him. "Look what I can do for you!" he said to empty rooms, "I'm really very important." Alas, Victor never noticed his own buffoonery and was doomed to spend the rest of his days nuzzling against the split rail fences of his own mind.

Fall Fashion: Don't.

2009-10-04T09:33:00.004-04:00

I'm not sure which is worse; the woman clinging to the hope of eternal pregnancy or the one who wishes she had hooves.

The Baby Snuggie is tailored-made for the woman who refuses to give up the feeling that comes from being physically attached to another living being. Clearly a wish to forever remain in a self-imposed state of vulnerability and helplessness is behind this sartorial dementia.

The shoes below are from a Japanese website and only a Japanese man can explain the joys of seeing a tiny Japanese woman prance around the house in these little hoof-booties. The rest of us will have to remain blissfully in the dark until then.

Absurd despot.

2009-10-03T16:22:00.006-04:00

Some Gamut stories write themselves.

From today's New York Times:

"CONAKRY, Guinea — At the military camp where he makes decisions — he does not care for government buildings — the captain who is president explained why he did not get to the political rally earlier this week that his soldiers turned into a bloodbath. Moussa Dadis Camara, 45, this nation’s erratic new leader, said he could not find the keys to his pickup."

The Times' story clearly showed a military leader who is too inept to attend the slaughter of innocent people that he had ordered and thereby ensured the smug superiority of their readers.

"If I had ordered the killing of dozens or perhaps hundreds of people you can be darn sure that I would have found my car keys and been there!" said Margie Hastings of Medford, NJ.

What the Times failed to explain is why so many African despots have such fantastic sun glasses. Do they take time off from their busy schedules of raping and murdering their own people to go shopping in Paris? The Gamut hereby defies anyone to find a single African junta leader who doesn't own a cool pair of frames.

Photo©AFP

Absurd Hamburg, Absurd Denmark 2009

2009-08-31T11:44:00.030-04:00

Only in Germany (ok, maybe in Austria, too) could they nearly sell out of a breakfast pastry called Napoleonshat.

Is a translation really necessary? A spurt of sluttiness and on sale, too!

Lippy updates in the Copenhagen train station: about $1.

Seriously folks, if you don't want your children to grow up into depressed alcoholic adults get them some happy toys!

A statue of a sad giant staring out a window = Danish art.

Kinky Coral. Those Danes really know how to express their sexual passions using natural materials.

Viking children in Christiania with home made wooden implements of harm. Yes, they will use them against you and then run away giggling. I was personally attacked by an arrow from a bow, an arrow from a crossbow, a mace and a sword. The fact that I lived to tell about it kind of lets you know where the vikings are at in terms modern warfare and world domination.

It's Friday

2009-08-07T06:00:00.001-04:00

It's Friday, it's summertime, and life is good.

Peace Through Brew

2009-07-30T19:11:00.007-04:00

Apparently President Obama does not care for the term, "Beer Summit."

“It is not a summit. It’s an attempt to have some personal interaction when an issue has become so hyped and so symbolic that you lose sight of just the fact that these are people involved, including myself, all of whom are imperfect, and will hopefully instead of ginning up anger and hyperbole, everybody can just spend a little bit of time with some self reflection and recognizing that other people have different points of view.”

Nor, apparently did Obama care for the idea put forth rather hopefully by Vice President Joe Biden that they all wear Snuggies during tonight's meeting with Professor Henry Louis Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley.

To this the President very calmly replied, "I don't think so."

Dog Hero of 1903

2009-07-27T09:00:00.000-04:00

Though cars and dogs don't usually go together too well here's an exception: this is Bud. 106 years ago yesterday, he went along for the ride when Dr. Horatio Nelson Jackson and brilliant mechanic, Sewall K. Crocker made the first road trip across the USA from San Francisco to New York in a Winton. It took them 63 days and they finished their journey on July 26, 1903.

Due to frequent breakdowns during the arduous trek Bud faced the distinct prospect of being eaten by his hungry cohorts. Nevertheless, the crafty Crocker somehow always managed to fix the car ensuring that he and Dr. Jackson would make it to the next town in time to stock up on food and Bud would get to live out the rest of his long life as the Jackson family dog.

Dog Days

2009-07-23T14:40:00.012-04:00

The Dog Days are quickly approaching. But if they are anything like the first part of summer I think we can expect something rather like this adorable serious-faced puppy named Mannito now available for adoption at The North Shore Animal League. Coincidentally, he bares more than a passing resemblance to the young future Judge Sonia Sotomayor. He may just be destined for greatness.

PS: Lest you believe I am foolishly insulting a very powerful person, I am referring here to his eyes and not his soft furriness, floppy ears or waggy tail.

Waaa!!

2009-06-24T16:51:00.004-04:00

Like the corners of his mind, Anderson Theodopolis knows far too well the tedium of helping out around the house, "I have awful memories of how my father used to make me do boring stuff on weekends all the time. He polluted my time with unfun tasks." Recounting the numerous days he was made to sweep leaves, clean out gutters and do other tasks too onerous to mention Theodopolis says, "You don't understand. Manual labor is horrifying to me." Holding up both lily-white, baby-smooth hands he continues, "These are the uncalloused hands of a man who uses his mind. They weren't meant for difficult labor." Indeed, upon closer inspection his hands do have a rather delicate quality Theodopolis says he sometimes struggles to maintain. "My wife doesn't get it. She's like my dad. She thinks I should help out around the house. I say, I can always hire someone to do all that stuff." But does he? "Oh, no. I'm too busy but I could if I wanted."

Oh, Holy Night

2009-06-09T23:32:00.015-04:00

A strange and perhaps even miraculous phenomenon occurred last night when visions of the President's face appeared in dinners across the country. At press time, unsubstantiated stories of the same were also reported in places as far away as England, France, Germany and Tokyo. Peter Mongo of Half-Moon Bay, California discovered the President's face at around seven o'clock at night in his 3-bean burrito. Says Mongo, "I was just about to dig in when I saw it. I shouted, 'That's Obama!' and all these people gathered around me. I was, like, totally mobbed." In Texas Janet and Robert Wilkenson were at their favorite steak house in Houston when they noticed the grinning face of the President staring up from Mr. Wilkenson's porterhouse. "I told him not to eat it. We voted for McCain." "I don't know what to think" says her husband. "But there's no denying it was his face. My whole world has been turned upside down." Peter Walinsky of Bangor, Maine was cooking up some chicken and rice for himself and his two cats, Earl and Scruggs when he saw the image of the President's face in his saucepan. "I took a photo of the stew to document the event but unlike everyone else who saw the President's face in their food last night, I ate mine. Maybe I should have had it preserved in Lucite and offered it to the Smithsonian but me and the boys were hungry and there was nothing else in the house to eat." Authorities are not sure what if anything this all means and the Vatican would not publicly comment on whether or not the sightings constituted an actual miracle. Though one person who works there and who spoke on the condition of anonymity said, "Well, it sure looks like what we've seen before with the image of Jesus turning up in all sorts of items of food. But, no, I don't actually believe this signals that Mr. Obama is the Second Coming." The President's face also made appearances in a spicy toro roll, a Shepherd's pie, and fish soup amongst other delicious dishes.

Oh, Happy Day

2009-06-04T13:55:00.011-04:00

In a happy twist of fate, Jennifer Ladybug, nee Coccinella septempunctata, discovered late yesterday afternoon that despite stories to the contrary, her house was not on fire and her children were just fine.

"I was cheerily going about my business eating some aphids in the garden when two small human females stood over me and began reciting the most dreadful words I have ever heard. It seemed they had practiced it before because they said it in unison:

Ladybug, ladybug fly away home

your house is on fire and your children are alone.

Well, I flew home straight away and found that everyone was fine the house was not on fire and my children were still very much under the watchful eye of their auntie."

Pausing only to take a deep breath she then continued, "Can you imagine saying such things if they weren't true? Clearly these girls could do with some therapy."

Nearby, Pamela Spider had this to say,

"If you think that's bad you ought to hear their creepy song about itsy bitsy spiders."

Rage, Rage.

2009-05-14T19:02:00.028-04:00

Dick Cheney will not go gentle into that good night.

After eight years in office and despite the fact that many Americans have long held out the hope that he would soon die, Cheney seems unwilling to leave the national stage.

"Old age should burn and rave at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light." Or so goes the famous poem by Dylan Thomas. And for his part, Cheney appears to enjoy raging against the new President at every turn. Cheney's handlers have apparently warned the former VP that his words could in fact lead to nasty repercussions from the left. One of his Secret Service detail on hand for the interview was heard mumbling something under his breath: "....angry mobs...guillotines...heads on pikes."

When asked if he was at all concerned for his own safety or that of his family Cheney replied, "I'm not a bad guy. These people just need to wake up and see who the real threat is to our incredibly lucrative American way of life. Or at least to my incredibly lucrative way of life."

What about all the pundits who are claiming that Cheney's desire to express himself on issues of national importance has more to do with a desire to preserve his own legacy?

"Oh, sure," Cheney admits in a surprisingly candid fashion for one who was famous for being reclusive and rather furtive during his terms as Vice President. "Why would I lie to you? Sure, I want to be remembered for the things I did and this new president is trying to mess it all up. I mean, it's just not fair. Why should Obama be able to just come in and undo all the cool stuff we did?"

Maybe because he's the President?

"That never stopped me before." Cheney replied with a grin.

A Laugh Riot

2009-04-28T06:30:00.003-04:00

Eager to show the government's more madcap side and proving that Washingtonians do indeed have very short memories, Louis Caldera, director of the White House military office signed off on a photo session which took place yesterday over downtown Manhattan and the Statue of Liberty. What made it such a special event is that they used a low-flying 747 closely followed by a F-16 fighter jet, closely mimicking conditions during the attacks of 9-11. Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell Mayor Blumberg and the many people who fled their downtown offices in terror. The 747 was reportedly Air Force One, the same plane used by the President. While the comic stylings of Mr. Caldera and the rest of his crew may have been lost on many New Yorkers, he'll have another chance to work his charm on us in the coming Fall television lineup. TV executives were apparently so impressed by his ability to stir up mayhem and even cause people to break down crying on sidewalks in broad daylight, that Caldera is currently being considered for a new reality television show: The Real Politicos of Washington. The premise is very similar to the Real Housewives series and will follow Caldera and other similarly high-appointed government personnel around and document their daily hijinks for posterity.

Frankinpuppy Lives

2009-04-25T13:40:00.006-04:00

Take 3 parts beagle mix with 1 part sea anemone and what do you get? Well, if you happen to be South Korean scientist Byeong-Chung Lee, the answer is the world's first transgenic, glow-in-the-dark puppy. The pup is named Ruppy, which is short for "ruby puppy" because he gives off a reddish hue under ultraviolet light.

Scientists say that the reason they make such creatures is because it could one day help them cure diseases in human beings. There may be some faulty reasoning here as not too many humans consider their lack of ability to glow-in-the-dark to be an actual disease.

The Mogul Pate

2009-04-22T16:38:00.008-04:00

The mogul pate so finey

Rich and super-shiny

If you dare rub it for good luck

You may hear, "Oh, what the fuck?"

You can say you wanted to see

If a brilliant genie would appear

As a wisp of smoke

out one o' the ears.

And if this does not appease

The irate mogul's pride

It will behoove you to appear

Believably sincere

If you promise to never

Ever

Do it again - for five or six new benjamins.

You may be arrested

And in handcuffs led away

But you will surely live to rub

The mogul pate again one day.

Go Figure

2009-04-16T22:53:00.009-04:00

There are many mysteries in life and no one knows what becomes of socks. Not really. Some say that they're stolen by unseen beings who use them for sanitary purposes. Others believe that the pairing of two socks in a clothes dryer creates a portal into another world at a distant location - say, a drive-thru window at a McDonald's three states away - and when someone accidentally drives through that portal one of the socks goes along for the ride and allows the passenger the opportunity to return to this world should he ever so desire.

Whatever the cause, many of us have mourned the loss of a sock at some point. So, take pity on the poor soul who so carefully photoshopped this sign and posted it on the window of the now-defunct Figaro Cafe on Bleecker Street in New York. And let's hope that someone, somewhere is enjoying the good life in an alternate universe.

High Five!

2009-04-10T09:00:00.004-04:00

Some of the newly unemployed are finding one very distinct upside to the recent downturn in their professional outlook: their sex lives are better than ever. Sarah Finn-MacKeith, formerly of Lehman Brothers, is ecstatic about the upswing, "Granted, I haven't found a partner yet but, having so much free time has really enabled me to explore my pleasure center." Brian Lu, a former director of development for a local arts organization agrees, "When I was still employed I really didn't have the time for a full-on relationship and now that I've been laid off no one will return my calls and go out with me. Still, at least I don't have to suffer though the agony of wondering if someone I'm having dinner with will have sex with me later on that night. All the anxiety is gone. I eat alone and I go to bed alone but at least I don't have to worry about STD's."

Peeping Puppy

2009-04-08T20:42:00.023-04:00

You would be able to buy this dog-spy item from Hammacher Schlemmer for only $29.95 if they weren't already sold out. That's right, not only do a whole bunch of folks think their dog has every right to spy on the family next door, they are willing to go to the expense and trouble of installing a device that enables Fido to exercise his own version of the Patriot Act without the risk of being poisoned or merely bitch-slapped by outraged neighbors.

American Girl Crone

2009-04-05T16:02:00.044-04:00

Clarinda Napalot

American Girl Place has announced its newest addition to its family of All-American Girl dolls: Clarinda the Crone. Known for her sage advice and hard-won wisdom, Clarinda comes in every color and ethnicity imaginable.

While younger girls are told, "Follow your inner star" and listen to "The little whisper inside that encourages you to stand tall, reach high and dream big." Older gals are told, "Don't let the bastards get you down" and "Do whatever you damn well please!"

Variations on the Clarinda doll include: "Clarinda Napalot," "Clarinda Dreadmermaid" and "Clarinda Freespirit." Soon to come, a new Clarinda doll based on a wise-cracking, cigar-smoking old broad, "Clarinda Feelgood."

Clarinda Dreadmermaid

Clarinda Freespirit.

Soon-to-be American Girl Crone, Clarinda Feelgood.

April Fool

2009-04-02T06:34:00.012-04:00

Early yesterday morning pranksters blew a hole through the rear end of a statue of Vladimir Lenin in St. Petersburg. Authorities say the vandals used either a bomb or a grenade launcher. Perhaps the perpetrators could be convinced to reek a bit of havoc on some other really bad public art.

Speak No Evil

2009-04-01T06:00:00.002-04:00

Apparently I have a potty-mouth and so after being duly chastised, I took the day off to reflect on how I might proceed in the future.

(Bwahahaha!)

Toilet Barbie

2009-03-31T10:42:00.017-04:00

A guy walks into a pizza joint, lingers for a time and then asks me and my friend who are both 15, "Is it true city girls are fast?" I replied, "I don't know about that but, is it true country boys fuck chickens?"

So, yeah, I'm a mouthy kind of broad from way back when. And it is with that spirit that I approach today's Gamoo. (Which is fake-French if you had not already guessed. Lots of people speak fake-French which is kind of absurd. Since The Gamut Absurd loves everything and anything absurd, we like to pronounce it the fake-French way.)

Now that's cleared up let's move on, shall we?

Today's topic: Toilet Barbie.

On several occasions, I have personally witnessed Barbie using public restrooms and let me tell you, she is disgusting!

She does not courtesy flush, she does not flush at ALL and she does not wash her hands afterwards.

In London, I saw her in the ladies room at a very upscale restaurant. She was exiting the stall just as I was walking in with the young daughter of a friend of mine. Barbie did not pass go, did not collect $200, she just headed straight out the door leaving behind the remnants of what could only make a lumberjack proud.

Then just last Saturday, I was in the restroom at the Riverbank State Park. A woman came into the stall next to mine and promptly exploded.

I know, it's not nice to flush and tell.

But, if I were nice, I wouldn't be broaching this whole topic in the first place now, would I?

A minute later while I was washing up at the sinks I couldn't help but lift my head when the woman opened the stall door. Sure enough, it was Barbie. She went straight for her knapsack and her lip gloss. Which seemed odd to me since she had caused such a unholy ruckus only moments before.

What is it about Barbie that makes her look so clean but act so dirty?

Is it the life of privilege? The fabulous wardrobe? The luxury car?

No one knows for sure. But, should you see her and be an even more mouthy broad than I, please ask why she yearns to spread her e coli so liberally to the rest of us.

Vive La Revolution!

2009-03-25T17:45:00.008-04:00

For the second time in two weeks French workers angry over layoffs and cutbacks have taken their boss hostage. Last week, workers held the boss of Sony France hostage overnight and now striking workers for U.S. manufacturer 3M are holding their boss hostage for a second day at a plant in Pithiviers just south of Paris. A few dozen hostage-takers took turns standing guard outside the offices where the director of operations was being held. He has not been mistreated or threatened with violence and he actually seemed to be treated very well as photos show he was given food and bottled spring water. 3M is also planning job cuts at facilities in the United States and elsewhere abroad. When 3M workers in the U.S. were asked if they might consider such drastic measures of their own one of them, Michael O’Malley, 34, had this to say, “No way. Our boss is real gassy and there is just no chance that I want to spend a few days holed up with him. Besides, I don’t want to miss the game.” What game? “Oh, you know, there’s always a game on.” What about the economy and his job, not to mention the Spirit of the American Revolution? O’Malley replied, “Look, all that revolution stuff was fine for those colonial guys way back when. But you can’t seriously tell me that anything I might do will affect how things turn out now. Besides, my wife makes the greatest Pigs in a Blanket you ever had. She makes the rolls from scratch and there is no way I’m going to miss that just to make a political statement.”

Urine Town

2009-03-24T12:14:00.006-04:00

Apparently, the City has revised its standards for public restrooms. Just last week, the City nixed a plan to place a modern public restroom near City Hall because it was deemed aesthetically inappropriate for such a busy area. Perhaps all the Brooklyn Bridge-walking tourists will then take a cue from this sign up in Fort Tryon Park. With such dubious environmental policy, the city's trees are bracing for the deluge.

Thanks, mister.

2009-03-21T13:19:00.003-04:00

Hey you. Yeah, you, mister. The next time you decide to move up to a new seat during intermission ask yourself these questions:

1. Is my head so inordinately big that I will be blocking about 80% of the view of the stage for the person behind me?

2. When was the last time I had the back of my neck shaved?

(BTW: Your neck looks even hairier in person.)

Musical Intermission

2009-03-19T09:53:00.006-04:00

Here's a double portion of Lust For Life for all you obedient dogs. Sit up, get down, and roll over with the always delightful piece of human jerky: the ever sinewous, Mr. Iggy Pop.

Erin Go Braghless!

2009-03-17T12:13:00.012-04:00

Here are some happy thoughts to guide you through your St. Patrick's Day. So, whether you're a lucky shamrock-picking, braghless Hibernian or not, everyone is Irish today. Here's to Ireland, the Land of Poets. . Beannacht ("Blessing") On the day when the weight deadens on your shoulders and you stumble, may the clay dance to balance you. And when your eyes freeze behind the grey window and the ghost of loss gets in to you, may a flock of colours, indigo, red, green, and azure blue come to awaken in you a meadow of delight. When the canvas frays in the currach of thought and a stain of ocean blackens beneath you, may there come across the waters a path of yellow moonlight to bring you safely home. May the nourishment of the earth be yours, may the clarity of light be yours, may the fluency of the ocean be yours, may the protection of the ancestors be yours. And so may a slow wind work these words of love around you, an invisible cloak to mind your life. ~ John O'Donohue ~

Karma Kancer

2009-03-16T14:24:00.002-04:00

Don Imus who infamously referred to the members of the Rutgers Women's Basketball team as, "Nappy-headed hos" back in 2007 has revealed that he has stage II prostate cancer. One former member of the insulted team had this to say: "I don't wish ill to anyone, not even Don Imus. But, this is a man who has made an extremely lucrative career out of speaking his mind regardless of the consequences to others. Do I think that this is just 'chickens coming home to roost?' Well, yes, I do. He has been opining from that region of his anatomy for some time now and it should be a sobering reminder to all who seek to unfairly disparage others. I won't say anything more about the man and I certainly don't want to cause him any distress but, for anyone wishing to celebrate the news, there's a party at my place tonight."

Out, Damn Spot!

2009-03-16T11:44:00.005-04:00

A stay-at-home dog mom and blogger who prefers not to be named says she sometimes has to, "Wash her hands at least twice" after posting a new item to her blog. "It's weird, because I enjoy writing a lot. But, sometimes I feel dirty." When asked to what she attributes this feeling of being unclean, Ms Blogger replied, "Well, it's a side-effect of the combination of speaking the absolute truth coupled with the more-than-occasional fabrication of characters and events all just to amuse her readers. "Blogging is like a bad love song; I know it's wrong but, it feels so right especially when I make people laugh." So would she ever consider giving up the blog? "It's highly unlikely. You see, I get enormous emotional satisfaction of ridiculing total scumbags and more common everyday fools alike. And by the way, I include myself in the latter category."

WoooHooo!

2009-02-27T05:36:00.021-05:00

It's Friday and I want to thank Ann-Margaret. Or the two fellows in the smaller pic. They are great reminders that despite severe global economic restraints and the gloom of NPR, the world still offers the flight and freedom of an open road and the beauty of enormous affection. Gawd, but those boys are adorable. If they were up for adoption I'd take them both home and feed them and just let them cuddle like that forever. Or, at least until their 30th birthdays when I would kick their asses out of bed and send them both to work.

Problem solved!

2009-02-25T13:03:00.010-05:00

Today Ford Motor Company has announced that two of its top executives, Chief Executive Alan Mulally and Executive Chairman Bill Ford will each take a 30% pay cut. Mulally who made about 23 million dollars in salary, bonuses, and perks in 2007 may now have to scrape by on just a little more than a paltry $1.4 million since the company has also cut bonuses for 2008 and 2009. This all comes as a surprise since Mulally went to Capitol Hill three months ago and when asked if he would be wiling to take a pay cut said, "No, I'm good." Executive Chairman Bill Ford already agreed to defer salary and bonuses way back in 2005 until the company improves its profitability. So, to further show that the company is serious about trimming the fat, it has offered buyouts to 42,000 hourly workers. As one highly-paid union worker quipped, "I know a bunch of us guys who weren't offered buyouts would gladly work for free if Salma Hayek came by every once in a while and breast-fed us."

Cave Sweet Cave

2009-02-19T07:19:00.016-05:00

Right now on eBay (and for the next 20 days) there is a very unique home for sale. For the low, low price of only $300k you could be the proud owner of a cave house in Festus, Missouri. Festus?!

I know, location is everything. And who wouldn't want to live in a place that sounds like a party every day? It is 17,000 square feet and has a stage where the likes of Ted Nugent, Tina Turner and my fave, the MC5 performed. Imagine your own little home-schooled tykes belting out nursery rhymes to their heart's content on that thing. Of course, the echo must be tremendous and there would be few places to hide from the din, but then again, this is the perfect home for people who want to live 24/7 with their offspring and gift to the world. It is fully up to code and bat-free. It just needs a few finishing touches to make it your own.

Fairyland News Report

2009-02-12T08:26:00.007-05:00

This morning several inhabitants of the Magic Forest weighed in with their thoughts on the $789 billion dollar economic stimulus plan. First up was the Wicked Witch who was in the midst of using a filthy green fingernail to pick some spinach out of two of her last remaining teeth,

"It's too much. What does the government think us taxpayers are made of, candy?"

Next was Prince Charming who reluctantly put down his Blackberry and said,

"Hey, as long as I can get a loan for my new Beemer, it's just right."

Nearby Goldilocks stroked her long, double-processed hair and let out a pensive sigh while eyeing the Prince,

"It probably isn't nearly enough."

Cinderella then moved a bit closer to the Prince and possessively placed her hand around the Prince's bicep, rolled her eyes and whispered, "She's such a slut."

Out Sick

2009-02-05T10:29:00.003-05:00

I have received more than a few comments about the lack of posts here at the Gamut and since I am sick with yet another head cold and am not up to entertaining, spend some time with this classic video from Princess Superstar until I am feeling better:

10...9...8...7..

2009-01-20T07:11:00.006-05:00

..................................................................................Though I am celebrating today's inauguration along with so many others, I wonder and worry for the state of our collective funny bone. Who will we ridicule now that we have a president that we have actually elected? And Joe Biden? He is so unlikely to ever shoot a pal in the face that I just don't know what we will be doing with ourselves for the next four years.

Oh, wait.... yes, I do: We will all somehow be dealing with the mess we're in now. Though it's easy to feel like a sap who wasn't invited to the party but has to help clean it up after the bullies and their brethren have all gone home to sleep it off, I predict that even with our noses pressed to the grindstone, we will find things to laugh about. Here's to us: Cheers, big ears!

Rogue Art in NYC

2009-01-14T12:36:00.004-05:00

Forget the long lines and high prices of Museum Mile. If you're looking for interactive bargain entertainment look no further than Barney's. This horny mannequin greeted me on my way down the escalator one afternoon over the holidays. Whether the sales people are bored from lack of customers or whether the customers are getting creative, someone has decided to improve upon the shopping experience and I for one am very happy about it. I predict that we'll see a lot more rogue art as the economy continues to tank.

Gratitude: The Dark Side

2008-12-19T10:13:00.028-05:00

As I ponder the magic and beauty of wintertime and the individuality of each snow flake there is much to be thankful for as the year comes to a close. There's a smart new President getting ready to move into the White House... The constitution-ignoring, love-it-or-leave-it extreme right-wing numbnuts have been made to say uncle... We can be friends with France again (Yay! and, Yum!)...the scandal involving the Governor of Illinois has erased much of the stain New York Governors left on the national psyche this year...and we all learned a new curse word care of an Iraqi journalist ("Son of a shoe") that comes with a physical gesture that simultaneously allows us to express our distain for public figures while also unloading the unwanted dregs from our closet floor.

On a more personal note I am grateful that I finally rediscovered the name (Steve S.) of the guy who lit my hair on fire at a party back in high school. No adults were present and I never ratted him out. I just pushed the whole thing to one of the farthest corners of my mind and forgot about it. But being lit on fire has a way of gnawing at one as the years go by. It was especially irksome since even though I was completely sober at the time and still remember the friend who helped me cut the burnt end of my pony tail off in the bathroom afterwards, I couldn't remember who had done it. Thanks to the long tentacles of Facebook, I now know who he is and where he lives should I ever choose to track him down and light his ass on fire. I'm just keeping it as an option and possessing that nugget of imaginary power alone has quieted down some long- restless part of me.

And I think to myself: what a wonderful world.

2008 Holiday Bad Gift Guide

2008-12-01T14:05:00.026-05:00

With so many opinions to guide you through your holiday shopping what you may really need is a guide of what not to buy. Some of us remember the bad gifts we've been given even more than the good ones if only because the trauma was so extreme. Keeping that in mind, here's a preliminary assortment of some really bad choices. Don't say you weren't warned if you choose to purchase some of these items for your nearest and dearest. 1. Tired Old Ass Cream. It claims to be effective for exhaustion but it doesn't say whose tired old ass it was made from. $10.95 (Wholefoods) 2. Vulva Balm. Not sure what its purpose is or why the manufacturer thought that it is a good idea for vulvas to smell like gypsies or jasmine. (Though I did notice that there are no vulva-scented products on the market. So, perhaps that explains something.) $16.00 (Wholefoods) 3. Carbolized Mutton Tallow. It is made from sheep fat treated with phenol, a strong corrosive poison and a derivative of benzene. Mmmm, try slathering some of that on your chapped lips. $8.95 (Lehmans.com) 4. Pure Emu Oil. Made from real live (or maybe dead by now) emus. It supposedly thickens the skin and reduces the formation of wrinkles. The writing on the bottle doesn't explain how they got the emus to give up their precious oil. Can one actually squeeze an emu? However they get the oil, it probably isn't pretty. $17.95 (Lehmans.com)

New Luxury Kills Old Beauty

2008-11-23T09:55:00.018-05:00

I know just how these two buildings feel: The new guy moves in and tries to squeeze you out with his parvenu insensitivity. (Try Trader Joe's any day of the week and see how long your ankles last after being pounded from behind by your swanky new neighbor's shopping cart.)

If the Landmark Commission really protected old New York instead of bowing down to developers we wouldn't now have two old brownstones on Lexington Avenue crumbling from the new construction between them. (Check out the serious cracks on the front of both brownstones.) But what can one do? Well, short of joining Earth First and getting one's name on the FBI's most-wanted list, one can take photographs to serve as a record for the sad piecemeal destruction of our City. And like mice laughing at elephants, we can also continue to make fun of powerful ignoramuses; we will always have petty ridicule to comfort us. Can anyone say, combover? Doughy offspring? Wilted cuckold?

R.I.P. Leftist Elfin Tree Art

2008-11-22T08:06:00.007-05:00

For those who can't read the sign, it says, "Total Republican Failure." What will the rural leftist tree elves do with their time once Obama has been sworn in? And how did they get this sign all the way up there in the first place? I can barely be bothered to climb a ladder to change a light bulb. Still, I like the incongruity of it. Traveling down a country road and -whoa!-what's that?! Why, it's art! I predict that since most fine artists are left-leaning, dem-like creatures and since most modern art is born out of discontent, there just won't be a whole lot for them to do for the next four years. So, check out the forest art while you can, folks.

Return of The Cuteness

2008-11-20T17:45:00.012-05:00

The Dow is down and people are freaked out but here is proof that in some places things are getting better. Recently, physical anthropologist Sharon Gursky-Doyen rediscovered a tiny primate in central Sulawesi, Indonesia. Four inches long and weighing just two ounces, the nocturnal pygmy tarsier was long thought to be extinct. No one had seen them in over 80 years. Its reappearance reminds me of the old story of Ground Hog Day and how if the ground hog fails to see its own shadow that means that winter will soon end. Could the reemergence of our tiny cousin with the elfin hands mean something good is on the horizon? One thing that is especially cool about this creature is that it can turn its head 180º. I think that it has come out of retirement as a message to our new President: Good things can still live in this world but as Bush reportedly told Obama when he first became a Senator: You've got to watch your back.

Doors Of Brooklyn Heights

2008-11-17T14:01:00.009-05:00

Though it's tempting to prattle on these post-election days about the symbolism of doorways and opening ourselves to new opportunities, I will spare you. There's just something nice about photos of doorways and Brooklyn Heights has some good ones:

Balcony For One, Part II: The Outer Boroughs

2008-11-12T13:41:00.005-05:00

I actually spied a lone smoker on the 3rd floor balcony two weeks ago. He was on the phone and looked most exiled from his nouveau Brooklyn digs. The balcony became almost like a floating phone booth. It had been my contention that such a balcony was for the social outcast, the lone wolf, the hater. But, while passing below I listened hard for sounds of angst but nothing about the fellow's presence seemed misanthropic. He was mellow. Just a mellow dude smoking his cigarette and talking on the phone. Yet, something about his behavior in the confines of his small aerie made me see this architectural oddity in a new light. Perhaps it should be looked on in the same way we swaddle babies and autistics: a comforting tightness that encapsulates the individual while keeping the total amount of sensory input to a minimum. Perhaps genius strikes in such places. Or, perhaps it is just a place to get away from your pumpkins and everyone else.

R.I.P. Miriam Makeba

2008-11-11T10:39:00.004-05:00

Pata Pata is one of the best songs to dance to. Here's a video of Miriam Makeba, a tireless entertainer, musical heroine and speaker of the truth. In this age of complacency, Makeba stands out as a true believer and supporter in the cause of justice for all people. Nothing could be more appropriate than to honor her memory today by getting out of your chair and shaking what you got and speaking up even when it might be easier to lie low.

Scottie:1, Reporter:0

2008-11-07T08:49:00.007-05:00

As the handler says just a too late and everyone should remember with any dog, "You can't put your hand in his face." It could be that it was the annoying cooings of videographer April D. Ryan that really pushed Mr. Barney over the edge.

And though dogs are non-partisan, it is clear that being on the losing side of things has taken its toll on the patience of the little Aberdeen.

Yes We Did

2008-11-05T08:49:00.013-05:00

A funny thing happened on the return to democracy yesterday - we got a President and a First Family who in the course of just one day restored much dignity to our tattered nation. Even the defeated John McCain seemed like his old self and not the man we saw on the campaign trail pulling all those dead rabbits out of his hat. It was as if McCain not only yielded to Obama's victory but also as if he (if not his booing supporters) understood that the truly best man had won the race.

Beyond the noisy revelry that was Grant Park last night, for the first time in eight years decency, intelligence and true grace permeated millions of hearts and minds all at once. It was an astounding moment. Not once during his acceptance speech did Barack Obama really smile. He was serious and grounded and exemplified the ideal man for the job. He wasn't one to preen for even a moment. He knows that he has won the toughest job in the world and restoring our good American name will take many long hours and many years. My heart is filled with gratitude towards this man and also his family who have had to live without him for much of the past two years. Thank you Michelle. Thank you Malia. Thank you Sasha.

Friday Soapbox: Tax Relief for Women

2008-10-31T13:31:00.019-04:00

There has been so much talk about socialism in these last days of the Presidential race you’d think it was a dirty word. But, the U.S. has many allies which embrace its close cousin; social democracy. England is a social democracy. So are Sweden, France, Germany, Italy and Australia, too. This does not mean that it would be the right thing for money-loving capitalist pigs like us but, we might just learn a thing or two by seeking to raise the standard of living for those with the greatest need. Case in point: Both Presidential candidates claim to be for working families. But so far neither has offered any help for the unmarried childless woman. Since women still routinely make 75% for every dollar men make for doing the same job (otherwise known as the gender pay gap), any woman who is childless and unmarried and without a trust fund or substantial investments (100k or more) including real estate, or other valuable assets or unlikely to inherit such, should pay lower taxes than their married counterparts. Furthermore, any childless woman over the age of 60 should get an immediate tax refund for all the monies they paid into the system during their childbearing years. They helped pay for the education of children they never had and the basic upkeep of infrastructure like roads, bridges, etc their non-existent children will never use. And since they do not stand to have any financial protection or help from offspring they are particularly vulnerable in their later years. It goes without saying that after the wealthy and very wealthy, working families need tax relief the very least of anyone. After all it could be argued that they have the benefit of the love and care of spouse and children whereas single adult women do not have any of the same protection. They are on their own. They don’t have the same social network as married women with children do and they don’t have the same interdependent relationships with other parents that foster bartering or free help in times of need. Put plainly, it is poor and middle-class single adult childless women who are bearing more than their fair share of the burden for the rest of society. Lest you think that such an idea would send childless couples into divorce court in droves in order to save a bit of cash from the taxman, the provision for tax relief for single childless women needn't be so enormous that it engenders envy from smug married couples. But, make it something not too small, either. Twenty percent less seems about right. And as for the refund? How about ten percent of the average tax paid paid over the past thirty years? It's time to give something back to working women who've earned their day in the sun.

Some of My Best Friends Are....

2008-10-28T20:35:00.006-04:00

Even in the best of times it's hard to find anyone in New York City who admits to having any Republican friends. But nowadays? Fuggedaboudit. In the ever-rising wave of The Year of Obamalove, many Dems are all but proclaiming victory for their candidate. But the real dirty little secret no one wants anyone to know is how many of us have Republicans in our own families. Crazy, I know, but true. What can one do but keep deleting the Internet-sourced e-mails that tell us that Obama is a socialist-leaning, terrorist-loving Muslim who is not even sure he was born in this country? We can fight fire with fire and send them the YouTube videos of the best gaffs of John McCain but that tactic seems so very...Republican. Instead we sigh and chalk it all up to an undiagnosed brain disorder. It's the only plausible explanation we tell ourselves. They used to be so much fun. They painted pictures, they played guitar and sang songs. They danced naked down the hallway playing air guitar to Jimi Hendrix. What the hell happened to them once they moved out to the suburbs? We wonder. Is it the isolationism of commuting by car? Is it the lousy restaurants? The short bubble jackets? The answer eludes us. Then we remember back to Christmas Eve 1969 when they told us that Santa Claus didn't exist. We were too young to be told such a terrible thing. Immediately estranged from our own parents, and untrusting of the older sibling who had broken the news, the line in the sand was drawn. The world was irrevocably divided into those who spoil things for no reason other than to be cruel and those who would keep looking for beauty and magic and free stuff for the rest of their lives.

Feelin' Ungroovy

2008-10-17T16:22:00.008-04:00

It's always been my contention that the only thing stiffer than Republican rhetoric is the hairdos on their women. Now I know what it feels like first hand.

Hey! Back off with that cigarette, mister! Whaddaya want? A nucuulaar explosion?! Geez!

What's This?!

2008-10-16T12:55:00.027-04:00

That's what I've been asking myself so many times this Fall. There are many things I do not understand. Here are just two: What's this? Number 1: was the speech by the ever-elegant Ice Queen, Cindy McCain at the Republican National Convention in which she stated to a nearly all-white audience: "This convention celebrates a special and exceptional Republican Party and the hand we feel on our shoulder is Abraham Lincoln's. Our country was born amidst the struggle for freedom and our party arose from a grand battle for human rights, dignity and equity for all people. We give way to no one and no other party in that cause." Note to Cindy: There is a reason the RNC was nearly an all-white affair: It's because black people don't trust you, your husband or your party. And using your friend Ernestine, a survivor of the atrocities in Rwanda who was in the audience to further your myth of the Republican crusade on behalf of the downtrodden and mistreated: "...She was made to watch appalling horrors..." ( The RNC audience actually clapped right after she said this like it was a good thing to be made to watch appalling horrors) was a new low for a politician's wife. What's this? Number 2: This linen-wrapped little creature with the buggly eyes looks to me like it might bite. At the same time it allowed itself to be snuggled up in fabric and have its photo taken. Anyone who can explain either of these mysteries wins a one-year free subscription to the Gamoo. (Actually, anyone can already have a free subscription.)

Ooopsie Daisy!

2008-10-10T12:02:00.002-04:00

Did John McCain really call Americans, "My fellow prisoners?!"

Why, he's even funnier than Ronald Regan!

Rest in Music

2008-10-02T22:35:00.024-04:00

I went to a funeral today. I sat behind Carl Bernstein and looked through sides of the lenses of his glasses wondering what it's like to need such a strong prescription and wondering too, what happens when he can't find his glasses. People who wear glasses seem to lose them a lot. Then I regarded Bernstein's ears while the eulogies -all sixteen of them- were given. As far as ears go, they weren't bad. Just thought you ought to know. I have an entire movie in my head of Carl Bernstein looking for his glasses in his rather nice apartment. So, if you don't want me making mind movies during your funeral I suggest that you do not have sixteen people get up to speak. Play more music instead. One thing I did tune in for was that one of the favorite songs of the very interesting deceased person we were there to honor was, People Will Say We're in Love. You can listen to it on my playlist below. Here are the lyrics:

Don't throw bouquets at me Don't please my folks too much Don't laugh at my jokes too much People will say we're in love! Don't sigh and gaze at me Your sighs are so like mine Your eyes mustn't glow like mine People will say we're in love! Don't start collecting things Give me my rose and my glove. Sweetheart they're suspecting things People will say we're in love. Don't praise my charm too much Don't look so vain with me Don't stand in the rain with me People will say we're in love! Don't take my arm too much Don't keep your hand in mine Your hand feels so grand in mine People will say we're in love! Don't dance all night with me Till the stars fade from above. They'll see it's alright with me People will say we're in love.

Say you are dead and are somehow able to listen in on your own funeral. Which would be better: to listen to all the people you knew say nice stuff about you or to listen to some good music? If it's true that all angels play are harps, violins and trumpets I'd rather have two or three really excellent speakers and then a whole lot of amazing music. It might be the last I get to hear for a long time.

Balcony For One

2008-09-27T18:58:00.007-04:00

For all you urban misanthropes, here's some city architecture to soothe your senses: the balcony for one. It's about a block away from the Jacob Javitz Convention Center and a whole world away from anyone else. So whether your pleasure is sulking on a cigarette or, just taking some time to contemplate your own angst, this building can accommodate the hater within.

More Ladydog Loo

2008-09-25T23:04:00.003-04:00

No, I do not know why the animation begins with Senator Obama's face. It just does. PS: I know it goes on a bit too long, but it does end eventually.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

F is For So Many Things

2008-09-25T22:00:00.007-04:00

F is for Flower. It is also for what the F is up with Blogger's Formatting? Here I spend hours (not really) carefully composing a post and putting the photos just so and then Blogger software rearranges everything and won't let me design my own blog page the way I want. For example, the captions on the previous photos are all over the place!

F is also for the Frosted Sarah Palin who hates bloggers who don't like her. As you probably know by now, Palin aide Ivy Frye went after conservative Wasilla blogger Sherry Whitstine by calling her up on the phone and demanding that she, "Stop blogging right now!"

If the Alaska Disasta actually makes it to the White House - mark my words - Alaska will become one giant oil spill of an American Gulag. I'm getting my base layers packed just in case. Fellow bloggers take note.

Ladydog Loo

2008-09-25T15:25:00.011-04:00

All the recent blather about "Lipstick on a pig" faded as the country collectively realized what a near total financial failure looks like. We have $400 billion dollars in national debt thanks to the current presidential administration and the Congress. Now, there are ongoing talks about the proposed $700 billion dollar bailout plan. There are lots and lots of smart people and not-so-smart people offering solutions. I don't have any answers. What I do have is one very cute dog so, I thought I'd just share some pics with you:

Ladydog Loo appreciates Fall foliage.

Loo knows how to wear a feather with elan.

Loo appreciates the outdoors and fine art, too.

Loo knows how to make a heart with her paws...

Loo makes an excellent napping partner.

Good-bye Summer

2008-09-14T22:25:00.002-04:00

I could not resist a little photo homage to the male bikini. Summer officially ends in one week. Good-bye day-glo! Good-bye leopard!

It's A Sign

2008-09-10T23:38:00.003-04:00

Sometimes life reaches out and shows us unexpected wonders: it's not often I get the chance to pose by a random sign on the side of a country road that sums up the feeling I'd most like to have towards the campaign of Vice-Presidential nominee, Sarah Palin.

(Note the still-living woodland creature just to the left.)

All-American

2008-08-15T11:06:00.016-04:00

Normally the Gamoo does not comment on celebrities or bother to quote them because celebrity culture is kind of like the Pied Piper of Hamlin: it melodically sweeps up not only the hungry rats but also the the minds and hearts of the children and impressionable adults and they disappear into mediocre reasoning rarely to return.

But, megastar Glen Campbell who has sold more than 25 million records during his career was on NPR's Fresh Air yesterday and said something which was so absurd that it deserves a second look:

"I don’t think I’m in the music business to, you know, try and save the world. Or to focus my opinion….That’s why they (the Smothers Brothers) got thew off CBS. They stepped over the line a little bit, I believe. That shouldn’t even be a factor as far as music goes. There’s a war going on. Well, you know, your life’s got to go on. There’s a lot of people try and get their influence to stop this and stop that. They’re not going to stop anything."

Campbell was referring to the Smothers Brothers and others like them who used their talents and sometimes their celebrity to voice their political opinion in hopes of changing the status quo and stopping the war in Vietnam in order to save human lives and prevent further suffering and devastation to humans, animals and the environment.

It just goes to show that just because one slips on a cowboy shirt it doesn't make one a patriot.

A patriot isn't someone who just says "Why bother?" But, someone who fights to improve their country based on a solid understanding of ethics. To put it in terms that a man like Mr. Campbell and his ilk might understand, here's Gene Autry's Cowboy Code:

1. The Cowboy must never shoot first, hit a smaller man, or take unfair advantage. 2. He must never go back on his word, or a trust confided in him. 3. He must always tell the truth. 4. He must be gentle with children, the elderly, and animals. 5. He must not advocate or possess racially or religiously intolerant ideas. 6. He must help people in distress. 7. He must be a good worker. 8. He must keep himself clean in thought, speech, action, and personal habits. 9. He must respect women, parents, and his nation's laws. 10. The Cowboy is a patriot.

If celebrities can do anything for the rest of us and actually earn some of the enormous sums they are paid, they can speak up to increase compassion and alleviate suffering on our planet. They can educate themselves on the value of civil liberties. They won't just love it or leave it. They won't move to another country in hopes of escaping reality here back home or the harm that our government has caused. They will be patriotic; they will speak up and do more than pose in haute couture on red carpets. Or cowboy shirts on album covers.

Image: www.evolvefish.com

Truly Fowl

2008-07-26T06:18:00.016-04:00

By now we all know how disgusting the American meat industry is. We've all seen the pictures of filthy factory farms with diseased animals being slaughtered and packaged for your next lunchtime Thai chicken wrap sandwich. But, who knew about the 11-year European ban on U.S. chickens? One of the reasons they ban our fowl? Chlorination. That's right, the U.S. bleaches their chickens to kill salmonella and other harmful bacteria.

So, the next time your waiter asks, "Would madam care for a bit more sodium hypochlorite with her Coq au vin?" Just remember to wear gloves and don't drink that ammonia cocktail.

Really gives white meat a whole new meaning.

Two-in-One

2008-07-13T17:47:00.014-04:00

For all those busy drunks on the run, here's a product that's both novel and convenient. Now boozers everywhere can travel with the frozen drink of their choice and when they're done, they can puke in the same container and just toss it away! No muss, no fuss!

Apocalypse Whenever

2008-07-06T17:28:00.045-04:00

Ka-Boom. That's how many people view the end of the world: one very swift kick in the pants. Other people assume that this will not happen to them because they are better than all the other people on the planet and God loves them best and so they will not die. Still, others believe that certain people in far-off places will fight and kill each other while the rest of us stay home and watch reruns on cable. And there are people who think that if they wear a specially blessed red string around their wrist that nothing bad will happen to them. Some people think that their wealth will save them. And then there are people who believe that the rich will all be the first to die. Some people think that a little Armageddon would be a good thing because then their extraterrestrial savior will swoop down in a space ship and take them to another galaxy where they will live in a beautiful new Eden and maybe even be able to fly. There are also people who believe that if they just make lots of babies that their children will clean up all the messes that came before and they will be saved. Then there are those who think that if the human population is curbed that there wouldn't be so many problems. This sort of makes sense; less people=fewer problems.

But the chances of humans surviving the next hundred years or so probably has a lot less to do with mysticism, moral fitness or deitic (Yes, I just made that word up in this context so, don't use it in conversation with a college professor) favoritism and a lot more to do with dumb luck.

For example, it might be lucky if there were a plague. Oh, not a bad plague where people suffer painful, bloody deaths but, a nice, easy, democratic plague where a proportionally equal amount of people in each country just slip into a state of immense bliss and drift peacefully off to sleep. And then die. If such a plague wiped out about half of the world's population then we all might be stunned just long enough to forget about drilling in the arctic or blowing each other up with nuclear weapons or even just saying mean stuff about one another. But, the odds of this happening are almost nil.

Plus, it wouldn't be lucky for the people who had to deal with disposing of all the rotting corpses with smiley faces.

Putting the whole idea of luck aside, it would be a lot better if intelligence and mindfulness ruled the way humans do things on Earth.

The problem is, we haven't elected particularly mindful people to public office. And most people don't really care about the world's problems; they care about their own problems: their job, their fat, their children, their money. That's why there won't be apocalypse now. There will be apocalypse whenever; a little at a time in dribs and drabs. Kind of like middle-age spread. Until the end comes we'll muddle on, drinking too much caffeine and worrying about the little picture.

R.I.P. George Carlin

2008-07-05T06:47:00.008-04:00

A clip from one of the last shows of the late and greatest curmudgeon this country's ever seen.

Just watch this if you feel like laughing. If you don't laugh we can all pretty much assume that you are still in utero and haven't finished forming yet. You only imagined that you were born and that you know something about life. So, stop messing around on the Internet and finish up in there already.

Netfuxed

2008-07-01T09:21:00.024-04:00

What is more innocuous than a couple of DVDs wearing small red jackets appearing every few days in the mail?

They seem a bit like leprechauns with magical powers and the ability to transport one far, far away from the madding crowd. (Or, at least one's own existential angst.) But like leprechauns promising undeserved riches, they can be tricky, too.

Because, they are also like potato chips, Chihuahuas and cabana boys and you can't have just one.

A while back genius friend, Mizz Lizz, introduced me to the expression "I'm a 1-out."

Meaning: To be on the 1-at-a-time Netflix plan.

To those of you who don't know what Netflix is: it is an internet DVD rental company which mails DVDs directly to your home. There are eight Netflicks plans meaning that you can rent up to eight DVDs at a time. What they don't tell you is the higher the number the bigger a loser you are. Your Netflix number is not information one casually tosses into conversation like nasturtiums into a diner salad. Much like a sexually-transmitted disease, it is a sensitive subject to be shared only with those who will not judge you. Being a 1-out is akin to being the Virgin Mary; pure and unsullied by the influence of too much popular culture. Whereas being an 8-out means that you are probably a chronic masturbator going cold turkey.

So, whatever your number, take heart. We're all friends here at The Gamut Absurd and I am in no position to cast aspersions.

Much in common.

Phew! (For now)

2008-06-18T13:34:00.006-04:00

According to the New York Times, the Associated Press is instituting guidelines on how bloggers can use their content. Jim Kennedy, vice president and strategy director of The A.P. says: "We are not trying to sue bloggers...That would be the rough equivalent of suing grandma and the kids for stealing music. That is not what we are trying to do."

Since we at the Gamut like to make up and write our own news stories, we're not too concerned about being told to cease and desist from quoting AP stories. However, we do like to use photographs we find on the web which we credit whenever we know who took them. Sometimes they are AP photos which we are fairly certain we could never afford to pay for. Since we're too shallow to actually read the new guidelines, we don't know how they may affect us and the fair use of their artwork. So, for now, we're keeping our sticky little fingers crossed.

Ol' Man Grumpus

2008-06-18T04:56:00.005-04:00

Some grumps are cute and some play guitar, some are just mean and really old.

They Feel Pretty!

2008-06-17T15:25:00.014-04:00

Preening and primping themselves as if they were going to the senior prom, democratic pols everywhere are scootching in their waistlines and examining their profiles in their bathroom mirrors to see if they have what it takes to be Obama's Right Hand Man (or Woman as the case may be.) We here at the Gamut (per usual, that's the royal we) would like to share some contenders we think are worth considering. Just about anyone who is not part of the old Washington rat's nest is eligible. (It doesn't matter if they are deceased, animated, scantily-clad or very hirsute.) As long as they have a winning smile and a youthful appearance they pretty much can't lose.

End of the Road

2008-06-04T08:12:00.006-04:00

Looking as if he's ready to end it all on the campaign trail, Bill Clinton appears to finally understand what a total drag it is to be the spouse of a political candidate.

As the Clinton campaign draws to a close there is much ponderous blathering about the possibility of an Obama/Clinton collaboration.

Though such a pair would surely be unstoppable, so too would the caricaturists.

If we thought we had it bad in the bad old days of Richard Nixon and Watergate, nothing will save us from the doodles of self-taught artists around the globe should these two decide to join forces.

Pee-yew!

2008-05-15T05:51:00.008-04:00

You know you're really scraping the bottom of the Gamut pan when you come across a post like this.

But I just had to report on a not-so-new phenomenon in my nabe: the presence of urine-filled bottles left by the curb. They are nasty little Molotov wanna-be's created by (my guess) men sitting in their cars or trucks for so long in the terrible day-time traffic that they have no other choice but to pee in a bottle and leave it behind. I wish they'd pour it into the curb instead of sealing it up and chucking it. However, for some sparky young entrepreneur there's ample opportunity to develop a new product for a crowded world: the Traffic Diaper. (Fully biodegradable, of course.)

That ain't water, honey.

This is What Will Happen

2008-05-10T00:12:00.002-04:00

This is what will happen if you marry me. I will take a standard Dia de Los Muertos figurine and I will make it our own. I will add a tennis racket and a cute little Scottie dog and I will glue a pink flower sticking out of your culo. I will do this because I want to, because it amuses me. Whoops! Too late. If you are reading this, then it is already like we are married. We are that close, now.

Brooklyn Hospitality

2008-05-09T13:48:00.005-04:00

Just make yourself at home. Don't be shy...go ahead, slam the door. We don't mind. We want you to. We are not faint-hearted people, us Brooklynites.

Ooh oOH eEEee EEee!

2008-05-01T21:30:00.006-04:00

Don't worry my darlings, I know you miss me. I just want you to know I am hard at work coming up with the next Gamoo.... Stay tuned, sweetcheeks.

Coming Clean

2008-04-29T15:03:00.035-04:00

Spring has indeed sprung and so, it is time once again, to clean out the old stuff. This notion probably never crossed the minds of the infamously hoarding Collyer brothers who left 103 tons of garbage behind in their Harlem Brownstone when they died. Keeping them in mind, I was determined to be absolutely fastidious perhaps even merciless. So, the first stop during my spring cleaning was the shelf of cosmetic products. Before I began I read Stacy Malkin's Not Just a Pretty Face (The Ugly side of the Beauty Industry) which led me to the informative Skin Deep database where I was able to check the safety of the more than 42 beauty products I own. The most shocking part wasn't seeing how toxic hair dyes are (which I already knew) but, how many sunscreens are filled with stuff you'd never want to rub all over your skin. Of the eight sunscreens I had leftover from last summer and an early winter trip to the Caribbean, I am only keeping one. The rest have too many toxic* chemicals or are just not effective enough to protect against the sun. (*Causing Neurotoxicity, Cancer, Allergies/immunotoxicity, Organ system toxicity, Endocrine disruption.)

The reason I bring all this up is because the self-regulating beauty industry is allowed to put in anything they deem safe enough for us to use. No testing is required. The FDA has very little say in what goes in to cosmetics and the USA is years behind the European Community when it comes to higher standards in beauty products. Example: phthalates (used as a plasticizer and fragrance stabilizer) have been banned in Europe but not here. They have been shown to cause birth defects in the genitalia of infant boys. Yet, they are still used in many products ranging from perfumes, fragrances in skin lotions and shampoos, pet toys, children's toys, sex toys, nail polish, vinyl car seats and the list goes on. If they are banned in the EU then, we probably need tighter regulations on beauty products sold in this country. The problem is that in the USA we wait until people start getting sick or being born deformed before we think about doing anything about it. But the number one most effective way of combating unscrupulous companies in a money-driven society is to educate ourselves and not buy their products. The Campaign for Safe Cosmetics has a list of companies who have signed the Compact for Safe Cosmetics.

It's worth checking out.

Bad Doggie!

2008-04-28T16:35:00.012-04:00

This may explain why Long Island drivers act the way they do. They are real dogs! Using the unpaid family pet to chauffeur one around town is truly a new low. Next, they'll be painting houses, landscaping and becoming nannies and there go all the low-paying service jobs superwealthy Long Islanders love to tell themselves they give to illegal aliens as a form of third world charity. (But, it's really because they're cheap.) In this case, you really get what you don't pay for: this guy was unnecessarily aggressive and his language was atrocious. And his breath? Just like a dead squirrel.

Impetuosity

2008-04-28T15:16:00.006-04:00

You know those times when you just want to give yourself over to the thrill of thoughtless action? To surrender to the dizzying high of unadulterated impetuousness? Well, it looks like that's what happened here.

Possible monologue: "Damn! I hate this stupid car! Nuffin' in it works right anymore! I'm gonna get rid of it right now!

Hey, at least they didn't litter.

Sprung!

2008-04-21T13:00:00.030-04:00

On a recent visit to Wave Hill in the Bronx, I witnessed the most extraordinary thing: cross-pollination between a woman and a flowering cherry tree. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . All seemed to be going quite well between the two.... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . the tree certainly looked happy. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Alas, two adolescent interlopers came upon the scene and frightened the young woman away. (As they approached, it seemed as if they were trying to look up her skirt!) No fool she, the lass quickly took her leave. The doofs sat in the exact same spot but, the tree just ignored them.

Hellth Nuts

2008-04-16T09:01:00.022-04:00

Hell Foods. As the price of Whole Foods stock continues its six-month decline so apparently, has civility within its doors. Having shopped both Boston and New York stores during this period, I can attest that many of Whole Foods patrons are a rude, angry and mean-spirited bunch. Some wear their iPods and take no notice of others around them. They blithely leave their carts in the middle of aisles while they rock out and wander off to shop elsewhere. Others chat loudly and nervously into their cell phones sharing the contents of their private lives and aggravations with anyone within earshot. Then there are the mean, impeccably dressed and bejeweled moms who wield their precious cargo and their groceries like grenades blowing away anyone in their path. Could all this angst and pushiness be due to Whole Foods phasing out the use of plastic shopping bags? No, that can't be it. These rude folk just love the new reusable bags with the Whole Foods logo splashed across it. They proudly wear these bags even when not shopping at WF. It tells the world, "I'm pure. I'm right-minded. I care about the planet. Now, get out of my way!" If one is elderly, or uses a cane or just happens to not be feeling so well and unable to move quickly enough for these neurotic entitlistas then beware. Like Miss Havisham's wedding banquet in Great Expectations, the spread at Whole Foods is impressive. But, the rats have taken over. These newly-pious adherents to a healthy lifestyle have traded the Golden Rule to pursue the Golden Fleece. (Though to be fair, they would never actually wear the fur or eat the meat of the golden ram unless it were grain-fed and free of antibiotics and hormones.) As they fill up their SUV's and Volvo station wagons with the organic booty they've procured, they drive off fairly confident that they've simultaneously done their bit for world peace and their families alike. But, don't step off the curb just yet, gentle reader. There is every chance in the world they've forgotten the one thing they came for and they will pull a uey through a red light and head straight for you in one last desperate effort to save their souls and their palates from anything less than the very best.

Holy Cow!

2008-04-13T10:39:00.012-04:00

I was just kidding about all that "mythical lost city" stuff. But, by 7am Saturday morning the entire city had just disappeared.

New York at Night

2008-04-12T03:44:00.011-04:00

This is what you look like when you sleep. Brooklyn knows. We see you disappear into the fog and the mist of all mythical places. At 3 o'clock in the morning Brooklyn is still here. We listen to the horns of passing ships on the East River, the hum of occasional planes overhead. But you Manhattan, have taken off your wigs, your lashes, your fine clothes, your jewels and have joined the ranks of Atlantis, Lemuria, and Mu. You exist only in your own dreams and nightmares.

Friends Don't Let Friends...

2008-04-07T05:00:00.009-04:00

...show asscrack.

Yesterday I took this photo in the Warren Tavern, a historic Charlestown pub, fully aware that by doing so I am tempting the karma gods who without fail, seem to bestow upon me any pain or humiliation I cause others. So, please, dear friends: if you ever see me unintentionally baring my pitooty, pull up my pants already. I don't care if I get a wedgie.

Obamamania!

2008-04-01T06:55:00.033-04:00

This isn't my thong. But, it might be appreciated by Obamaites: It comes from another blogger and it's a feral cat attacking George Bush.

I want Obamamania. Everyone but me seems to have it. It reminds me of the old-timey 1970's fads: yo-yo's, pet rocks, the Dorothy Hamill hair-do. There was a sweet optimism that these things could for a brief time, distract us from the residue of the Vietnam War, Watergate and Killer bees. I want to be swept up in the hope and the promise that has captivated so many of my intelligent and talented friends. In the meantime, while I sit and ponder what Dennis Kucinich is up to these days and how Elizabeth Edwards is feeling and who out of the top three condenders would make the best first lady or husband, I'll share an Obama story of my very own with you:

About a year and a half ago, my husband and I were at a hotel in Arizona for a gathering of magazine editors and Barack Obama was staying in the room right next door. He lost his room key and one of his security men knocked on our door and asked if he could go through our room so he could climb over the balcony wall and let Mr. Obama in. I wasn't there at the time but, my husband let the guard in forgetting that I had left some laundry drying outside in the hot Arizona sun. I was thrilled to later learn that my very clean thongs were only one degree away from the eyes of Barack.

I had just learned who Obama was the day before and he cuts a very dashing figure. He is tall and lean and the first time I saw him he was walking across the hotel grounds. He was striking in the way that few people are. (Okay, the fact that he was one of a handful of hotel guests who didn't have the pasty pallor of a wintertime New Yorker may have unduly impressed me.) I turned to my husband and said, "Who is that?"

"That's senator Omamba" My husband replied, garbling the poor man's name. "He's going to run for President." "He already looks as if he won." I said. And it was true.

"Gonna Mess You Up!"

2008-03-20T13:39:00.013-04:00

Think you're tough? Think again, my friends. There is always someone meaner and tougher than you and here's proof of it:

Granny Resistance

2008-03-20T10:53:00.007-04:00

Who are those grannies wielding sharp implements in front of the Times Square U.S. Army Recruitment Center you wonder? Why, they are the Granny Peace Brigade and they are knitting their way to - yes! you guessed it - peace in Iraq. It goes to show that there really is a connection between knitwear and world peace. (See Knitwit Erotica post below.) After all, these women have been around for a long while and they wouldn't be knitting all those afghans for Iraqis for nothing now, would they? Seriously, they are well-organized and determined to speak out against the war and their website can probably teach all of us a thing or two about civil disobedience.

Albany horndogs

2008-03-19T07:34:00.007-04:00

The new Governor of New York, David Patterson has admitted that he too, has cheated with numerous women on his wife Michelle (Pictured here with an unusual frownysmile and a "Iforgivyouhoney" fur coat.) Of course, he did add that, (Insert childish whine here:) "She did it first." Perhaps taxpayers should consider adding some saltpeter to the water coolers in the state capital. Or, they could just could take a more enlightened approach as they apparently do at the Massachusettes State House.

Before and After

2008-03-11T21:06:00.012-04:00

There is no doubt that Silda Wall Spitzer not only looked so dosed for her husband's press conference that she might have fallen asleep and hit her head on the podium but, she looks as if she's aged about ten years overnight. (Disclosure: the photo on the left was probably not taken last week.) Okay, so maybe it's not all peaches and cream being married to someone so immensely wealthy. Wait, what am I saying?! Of course it's peaches and cream! But, c'mon! Her whole 'stand by your man' routine seems especially unbecoming given the fact that she is a lawyer and an officer of the court and therefore perhaps it might have been better not to appear so mellow that she is seen to condone his actions in a potentially very messy legal sit-chee-a-shun. Seriously, what did he do? Slip her a mickey finn and then beg, "Pretty pleath will you come wid me to de-sniff, sniff, preth conference? "

The Naughty Guv'nor

2008-03-11T07:56:00.018-04:00

Oh, the hubris! Yet another example of the horror of the human ego reared it's head this week with the Spitzer sex scandal. The odd thing about it is how politicians know they live under a microscope with every imperfection magnified 10,000x yet, they keep thinking that they can do things like having a rollicking good illicit roll in the hay and get away with it. The equivalent for the average citizen is to go around thinking that they can dress up in drag and pee on their neighbor's porch.

(This is what you or I would look like if we had a politician-sized ego:)

Ronald Hoth, a 56-year-old man who lives with his mother in Florida, was arrested on suspicion of stalking after undercover officers say they spotted him urinating on a neighbor's porch while dressed in a blond wig and "revealing women's clothes."

He was taken into custody after a brief chase, police report. His mother, Dorothy, tells WKMG-TV that they've lived together for 14 years. "He was so sorry about it," she tells the paper. "He was practically crying. He said, 'I didn't mean to do it or to hurt you in any way. I just want to come back and do like I did.' He said, 'I will never, never, never do this ever again.'"

Photo from the Osceola County Sheriff's Office.

Or, maybe this on a good day:

Car Porn 2008

2008-03-05T11:50:00.009-05:00

The annual swimsuit issue of car porn arrived in the mail yesterday. Oh, joy! Consumer Reports Best & Worst Cars is a total pleasure. What could be more fun than memorizing the stats on dozens of cars with an almost savant-like passion? And like a savant, it doesn't matter if one is not so interested in actually owning the obsessed-about object, just in knowing about how it drives, what is sounds like, how it responds to various road conditions. It's all so sensual, it's almost overwhelming. Everything from horsepower to IIHS crash test results, reliability and cabin design is in here. The centerfold is of course, the ratings with their irresistible bar graphs and red-to-black doughnut-shaped icons. It's so easy to read and it makes one feel as if one actually knows something about cars! (Exactly like how reading the New York Times Book Review makes one feel well-read without even reading the books.) Go ahead, take a Peek. You know you want to.

B.S. Phraseology 101

2008-02-21T07:33:00.003-05:00

I am not sure what is it about going to the theater that permits me to overhear absurd statements by young women but, yesterday after seeing August: Osage County by Tracy Letts, I heard a young woman say, "I like to read. But, you know, like, not literary stuff." "What's left?" I thought, "Cereal boxes?" So, in honor of all things absurd, I am collecting ridiculous phrases. If anyone can think of one to add, please be my guest.

Examples may include but, are not limited to: self-delusion, military doublespeak and plain, old B.S. Here's just a few to get us started:

"My doctor has me on a low dose."
"The check's in the mail."
"I promise I'll pull out."
"World-class architecture."
"Collateral damage."
"You look beautiful in the dark." (Doesn't everybody?)

PS: The cat photo is just to show what can happen when a large amount of humans pursue devolution through nonsense. Other more noble species are quite capable of standing up and filling in the void.

Knitwit Erotica

2008-02-02T08:13:00.001-05:00

These are some of the images I grew up with in the 70's: crochet bikinis promoting vague (yet, potentially soggy) athleticism, interracial harmony, and easy sexuality. McCall's made it seem as if we could all knit our way to world peace. Despite the creepy nostril and mustache in the background of the less-than-subtle "EASY TO MAKE" photo, I still find myself strongly drawn to these styles. It's my inner nun speaking, I'm sure but, I'm rather surprised that they haven't made a comeback. Go figure.

By the way, it helps to rock out to the MC5 when looking at these clothes:

(Actually, almost everything is better while listening to the MC5.)Or, if you're in the mood for something lighter, watch Goldie Hawn on Laugh-In:

Mighty Eagle?

2008-02-01T14:47:00.000-05:00

Many of us associate the powerful voice of the Red-Tailed Hawk as belonging to the American Bald Eagle. It's a strange and absurd bit of propaganda and if you watch the videos below you'll see what I mean. First, listen to the hawk. Then, hear the rather pathetic voice of the eagle in the second video. Even the seagull in the background makes more noise! In the third video it sounds very like a certain formerly drug-addled, lame duck.

De Yewts of Today

2008-02-01T14:36:00.000-05:00

Overheard last night at BAM's Harvey Theater where Fiona Shaw is currently performing in Samuel Beckett's A Good Day: Two women approximately 18 years old were leaving the theater when one said to the other, "I hate it when something is supposed to be serious and people laugh." "Shit," I think, "There goes my whole reason for existing." Are kids today really so humorless and without sense of irony? It pains me to see such lovely, unlined skin and naturally colored hair wasted on the young.

Again with the Big Head

2008-02-01T11:34:00.001-05:00

I'm starting to see a theme here: Celtic people have big heads. Or, maybe it's just the brown-haired, blue-eyed girls. Just check out the one below. The blond doesn't stand a chance. When head-measuring becomes an Olympic sport, we will take the world by storm. Mark my words. In case you are wondering just how big your head is compared to others, there's a site that will tell you . I'm in the 92-94th percentile. Want to measure your head to see how you compare? Head Measure

Touch me in the Morning

2008-01-17T09:29:00.000-05:00

It has been many years since someone so young touched me so intimately. And I didn't even get her name. We were at Logan airport last night making our way back from a day in Boston. The airport was empty and checking in was a breeze. Then we got to the security line. It was forty-deep and moving slowly. Still, we had plenty of time. So when I was finally called forward to go through the metal detector, I neatly placed all my belongings in the bins. I quickly walked through to retrieve my purse which contained the new watch I had just given my husband for his birthday. (Why he handed it to me to carry for him in the first place, I don't know but, I am sure that it was what caused the following to ensue.) As I reached for my bag, the TSA screener told me to wait. I picked up the bag anyway and replied that I was just getting my purse. A bit more harshly this time, she again told me again to wait. I waited until I saw one of my boots fall off the x-ray belt onto the floor and I picked it up. Big mistake. "I told you to wait!" The rather butchy screener commanded. "I am waiting," I replied calmly, "But my stuff is falling on the floor." The Silly Ant spoke into her walkie talkie, "I need a female agent over here immediately!" A moment later a very young woman approached me and asked me to step aside, explaining that she needed to pat me down and give my bags a look. She was maybe 23 at most, and very new to the job. "I'm going to use the wand and whenever it goes off , I'm going to have to use my fingers to check the area." She seemed very embarrassed by this. I told her that it was okay. She waved her wand over me stopping whenever she manually examined each metal part of my bra. When she got to the underwire she said, "I'm just going to slide my finger over this part of your bra." I wanted to giggle but, thought better of it." I need to ask you to roll over the top of your waistband so I can examine it. Would you prefer a private room for the examination?" She asked. "No, that's alright" I said smiling at her. She proceeded and I was sure that she was nearly done with me. "I need to put my hands down the front of your pants to examine this area." She said waving her hand over my lower torso. "Would you like a private screening room?" "What?" I said, "Can you please repeat that?" She repeated that she needed to put her hands down the front of my pants to examine me. At a momentary loss for more appropriate vocabulary, I asked her, "Are you saying that you need to grope me genitally?" ("Examine" would have been a far better word but, things were getting personal way too quickly and I was a bit appalled at how swiftly this operator worked.) I tried to read her name tag but she was so much shorter than I am that I couldn't make it out. I looked over at the middle-aged man going though my carry-on and saw that his name tag had "Michael" printed on it. What's with the first names only? It's not like I'm ordering a meal at the Olive Garden. Why are TSA agents allowed to hide their full identity from the pubic? I wondered. "Would you like a private room?" The young agent asked me again. "First, I want to know what you're going to do." Still at a loss for a better way to put it, I repeated my question, "Are you going to grope me genitally?" She nodded. Holy cow! I thought, I guess we had better get a private room for this. So, off we went into a dimly-lit, tiny office off to the side with only a curtain as a door. Inside was a small black desk and lots of clutter everywhere. It hardly looked like a private examination room. I had expected an ultra-modern, all-white room with lots of harsh lighting. Another female agent followed us in and stood by the curtain. Things were getting more and more Chained Heat with every passing moment. Then the agent told me she was going to "examine the area." Bracing myself for what promised to be a very amateur quasi-gynecological experience, she slid her hand quickly across my clothed bellybutton and said we were done. "Is that all?" I said. I didn't want to press the point but, she had told me that she planned on putting her hands down the front of my pants. She nodded, "That's all." The curtain was opened and I was released in possession of the vague idea that I had somehow (no pun intended), gotten off very lightly.

Chained Heat, 1983 starring Tamara Dobson & Linda Blair.

"Don't chu walk away from me, you chalk-faced whore!"

Gag me!

2008-01-12T08:55:00.000-05:00

There are lots of Hillary Clinton novelty gifts for sale but none for any male candidates. It's a shame because I would love to own a pair of Dennis and Elizabeth Kucinich elf dolls, if only they existed. I'd also like some John Edwards bar soap, an Obama propeller thinking cap/beanie and maybe a John McCain whoopie cushion to fool unsuspecting guests!

The Hillary Nutcracker. Other favs which are currently available are the Mighty Monkey, Freud Head Lollipops and Gummy Haggis.

Wig the Innocent

2008-01-11T16:15:00.000-05:00

It's only a tiny bit cruel because we laugh at them. But, they are such good sports and isn't that why we have pets and babies in the first place? If it weren't for the innocent ones so eager to please, our hearts would harden and deny that we too, once felt the desire born out of pure love, to amuse the ones that fed us. (Although, that Maltese looks like he's going to need some serious therapy.)

Some days

2008-01-10T14:44:00.000-05:00

Some days I have nothing to say. Some days I feel like this photo. If I open my mouth, there will just be trouble. Sometimes these days stretch on into weeks. I wish I could just shut up without everyone wondering why I have suddenly gone mute. I want to walk around with small flash cards that get the point across: How much? Thank you. OK. Not bad. Hello. I'm sorry. Good bye. You're beautiful. That's funny. Ouch. No, thanks. The blue one. No, not that one, the other. Maybe. I'll think about it. I like it. Tastes like it smells.

Big Stink

2008-01-07T11:18:00.000-05:00

With a very annoying slogan, "We are what you think," Bigthink.com made its debut this morning in its first day on the internet. With backers such as Nantucket Nectars founder Tom Scott, and venture capitalists David Frankl and Peter Thiel, along with Larry Summers, the disgraced former President of Harvard, the site's creators, Peter Hopkins and Victoria Brown hope that Bigthink will make a big splash as a meeting place for intellectuals. Unfortunately, It's more like a fat kid's cannonball.

Using quick jump cuts reminiscent of a Gap commercial, Bigthink shows snippets of commentary by luminaries and nerds alike. But, as it now stands, the site feels very much like a half-built house. The walls are up but the heat's not on, the toilets don't flush and there's no furniture. For example, Under Architecture & Design, they have Zac Posen briefly opining about who he thinks are some of the fashion greats. Posen is truly likable but, couldn't they have gotten someone with a bit more gravitas say, I.M. Pei or, Oscar De La Renta? In choosing which subjects to be fully on-line in time for their debut, Hopkins and Brown have made their priorities very clear; they have no less than three experts each on Economics, Literature and Theater & Film but, they have no experts at all so far in Dance. It just doesn't take all that much to dot one's i's or cross one's t's and the fact that they couldn't get all their topics up by opening day makes the whole concept appear a bit half-baked. Metaphor-mixing aside, the highlights include (rhyme unintentional), Peter Gomes and former U.S. Poet Laureate Billy Collins reading his poems, Questions about Angels and The Lanyard.

Creating an on-line platform for the likes of Anna Devere Smith, Richard Meier, Robert Thurman, and Moby along with many others is actually, quite a wonderful idea. Despite the very low-brow sponsors, ITT Technical Institute and Netwinner.com, an on-line gambling enterprise, the fact alone that Donald Trump and his combover are unlikely to ever make an appearance makes it worth logging on and hoping for more.

My secret nun fetish: Saint Angela Friend of Girls

2008-01-03T20:49:00.000-05:00

An early proponent of education for girls & women I know that I can't be the only non-Catholic woman to harbor a nun fetish. I think that there are many closeted nuns but, we are afraid to come out and do anything about it because it means not only converting to Catholicism, but, also renouncing all the fun, earthy pleasures*we still very much enjoy.

(*My list: Sex, travel, good wine, artisan goat cheese, cake, & Viggo Mortensen. Apparently, it's not that I don't love God enough, it just that I can't taste him or, watch him fight bad guys naked on film.)

But, I have recently discovered that there is someone who has already done it all for me: Saint Angela. I wasn't named for her but, it would have been fine with me if I had for, she dedicated herself to helping educate girls, specifically those who did not or would not marry. Back in her day, an unmarried woman was basically relegated to a life of servitude. Which wasn't all that different from being a married woman, only, it came without any of the protections such as a husband might occasionally offer.

Angela Merici was born in Desenzano del Garda (about halfway between Milan and Venice) sometime around 1474. She is most noted for founding the order of the Ursulines, a group of nuns named for Saint Ursula, patron saint of students. The Ursulines believed in working out in the world, uncloistered which was very unusual at the time. (Though I have read that St Charles Borremeo eventually saw to it that the Ursulines were cloistered like all other nuns at the time: "In reality she was in advance of her own times. Her plan of religious women without distinctive habit, without solemn vows and enclosure, was directly contrary to prevailing notions at her period, and under the influence of St. Charles Borromeo at Milan and subsequent papal legislation (under St Pius V) the Ursulines were obliged to adopt the canonical safeguards then required of all nuns." - http://www.cin.org/saints/merici.html)

Orphaned as a young girl along with her sister, Merici went to live with her uncle in Salo, a town not very away. After her sister suddenly died as well, Merici became a member of the Third Order of Franciscans and when her uncle died, she returned to Desenzano at age twenty and devoted herself to educating the mostly ignorant and ignored girls of her home town. Of course, like any good saint, she is said to have had visions of angels on more than one occasion, and received heavenly messages through her dreams. (In contrast, my extraordinary dreams usually involve me running the marathon, not promoting healing or education to the needy masses. So, that's how I know I'm not destined for beatification.) She also is said to have gone blind at one point and then had her sight miraculously restored.

"Angela's methods were far removed from the modern idea of a convent school; she preferred to send her associates to teach girls in their own families, and one of her favorite sayings was, 'Disorder in society is the result of disorder in the family'. It was by educating children in the milieu in which they lived that she strove to effect an improvement in social conditions."- http://www.cin.org/saints/merici.html